:D:D:D

ماذا أقول له

من فيلم الشموع السوداء كانت تقرأ له مطلع هذه القصيدة، و كانت الكلمات تنساب في رقة و استسلام المحب المعذّب، هذه القصيدة لنزار قباني

ماذا أقول له لو جاء يسألني إن كنت أكرهه أو كنت أهواه؟
ماذا أقول ، إذا راحت أصابعه تلملم الليل عن شعري وترعاه؟
وكيف أسمح أن يدنو بمقعده؟ وأن تنام على خصري ذراعاه؟
غدا إذا جاء .. أعطيه رسائله ونطعم النار أحلى ما كتبناه
حبيبتي! هل أنا حقا حبيبته؟ وهل أصدق بعد الهجر دعواه؟
أما انتهت من سنين قصتي معه؟ ألم تمت كخيوط الشمس ذكراه؟
أما كسرنا كؤوس الحب من زمن فكيف نبكي على كأس كسرناه؟
رباه.. أشياؤه الصغرى تعذبني فكيف أنجو من الأشياء رباه؟
هنا جريدته في الركن مهملة هنا كتاب معا .. كنا قرأناه
على المقاعد بعض من سجائره وفي الزوايا .. بقايا من بقاياه..
ما لي أحدق في المرآة .. أسألها بأي ثوب من الأثواب ألقاه
أأدعي أنني أصبحت أكرهه؟ وكيف أكره من في الجفن سكناه؟
وكيف أهرب منه؟ إنه قدري هل يملك النهر تغييرا لمجراه؟
أحبه .. لست أدري ما أحب به حتى خطاياه ما عادت خطاياه
الحب في الأرض . بعض من تخلينا لو لم نجده عليها .. لاخترعناه
ماذا أقول له لو جاء يسألني إن كنت أهواه. إني ألف أهواه

Codes Of Conduct

For the last couple of days, I repeatedly stated some principles that I condiser an "unconscious" code I act by in real life. These principles are:

1. Never ever trust anyone 100%! You never know if and when he/she will be your enemy.
2. Always assume "malicious" intentions from people around you and beware and take precautions, but on the exterior, behave as if they have good intentions. "Act good to people until they proove you wrong then get away from them, but in the inside, always be cautious of them until they proove you wrong, then you can trust them."
3. Try to avoid telling the people you love that they did wrong by you!
4. Swallow your bad and black thoughts and keep analyzing inside you head how and why you have them instead of acting upon them.
5. Shut up more than you talk!
6. Don't only listen to people, study what you listen to and try to conclude whatever they're not telling you.

Of course, these codes of conduct didn't come to me from my parents :) , they came the hard way; from bitter experience. But I'm not gonna talk about situations; instead, I'll talk about the principles themselves cuz I kinda like them!!

Number one is really self-explanatory, and as I keep saying: "the most beautiful relief you can have is talk about everything you go through to youl close friends, and the most painful feeling is to hold back your feelings and troubles from your dear ones. BUT the latter is less harmful than the former. Discreetness will never expose your "soul holes" to others, and this makes you stronger."

Number two is my own invention :D, it's really a defense mechanism that I use to avoid paradoxes. Imagine that you first impression about someone "which is by the way 90% true" is that you hate him! if you act clearly upon the hatred feeling, and he's "bad news", then you got yourself an enemy. But if from the beggining you dealt with him nicely while raising your "internal" alerts to his actions, you're relatively safe. If he's otherwise a nice person or at least not harmful, then you'd be rude and lose a potential aly. On the other hand, if your first impression is that he's nice and start taking confidence in him, and he turns out to be "trouble", then you gave away your weaknesses for the enemy. But you can't act rude either, so act nice but don't let down your guard. I applied the same strategy in my research by the way :D:D:D

Number 3 is a bit tricky, but I personally don't like telling people that they're wrong; either to me or in general; cuz people generally tend to justify their actions for their own benefit, and by telling them they're wrong, you're making them feel and accordingly act defensive. They'll try to place the blame on you or whatever other circumstances; you gain nothing. BUT my friend Amira, said that in pointing the people I really care about to what they did wrong, I'm either giving them the opportunity to explain any misconceptions I might have or try to avoid making the wrong actions in the future. Meaning that clearing the air is more important than avoiding to upset people. I have a counter statement which is this: if you really care about those people, you'd even do that for them in you mind before you absolutely need to confront them. Meaning that I'd make a conversation in my head and try to see if the other person is really wrong or if I misunderstood then what the real meaning of the action may be. And if he's wrong in my head then I "cashe" the mistake or wrong action in my back-mind and act normally until he makes another mistake "God forbids", then I'll analyze the now "accumulating" list to see if I'm the wrongful party or he/she is. If the list passes a certain "threshold", then I'll turn my categorization of this person into a "no state" condition; meaning I don't care no more about him/her, but at the same time I'll keep the relationship in a relatively positively communicative nature because I don't like to lose my connections. (Pretty crazy stuff ha?!)

Number 4 needs a complete blog entry cuz it's a constant nightmare and battle inside my mind of good against evil. People don't want to believe it but I'm really evil deep down, I just choose to fight it most of the time.

Number five is a direction given by our Prophet Muhammad (may prayers and blesses be upon him,) It's really a good thing to try not to talk a lot because you'll say wrong a lot.

Number six is something I'm trying to practice even though I don't think I fully master. But I think as you get to know people more, you get to understand their motives, and when you understand their motives, you'll become more knowledgable as to why they act in a certain way. This will ultimately give you the ability to give them a sounder opinion/advice when they ask for one.

Once, when I was talking to my uncle "mother's brother", we were talking about my "accumulative" nature, and I said "But this being part of my character is not a good thing." He said "The charater you created for yourself might be not good, but it's your own, not an imitation of others!"

Exhausted!!!

I'm nearly finished with my Master tasks, although I'm not at all satisfied with anything! But, the fact of the matter is that I'm not willing to put an extra ounce of effort into this project which took so much time and energy. I'm sure this means I'm not a great person, since great people don't quit enhancing their work. But really, the atmosphere in which one works affects his or her ability to excel, to take that extra mile to greatness. Well, without lingering on the bad circumstances that we worked in, I think my work is done in that area. I thought this will give me the willingness to do extra work into the traditional faculty job; you know, the sections and all..but on the contrary!! I'm so tired of half the effort I used to exert a couple of years ago..I'm not enthusiastic about new courses I'm assisting in teaching, nor about the fact that I can work in faculty without feeling guilty about my Master. The truth is I didn't take a real vacation since I was a student in the third year, this is about 8 years!! WOW..No vacation meaning with absolutely nothing to worry about..It's been so long..And I neeeeeed a vacation or the rest of me is gonna collapse! Not that I'm complaning about the job, it's not that hard anymore, but I need a break to renew my brain cells so that I can accept and embrace the job challenges from bad boys to hard excercises..
Can I get such a vacation soon? I think I'm gonna do whatever it takes to have it..or I'm gonna end up doing just like other less lovable people in the faculty do, get in, take attendance, get out!