At the very beginning of 2007, I had this feeling it wasn't a good year for me. Actually, I had this documented in a blog entry. Although nothing majorly bad happened to me; on the contrary; I defended my Master thesis and I believe I gained a sense of maturity and serenity in me, but I didn't enjoy the year as much as many of my friends did. Some would say the Master degree is a very good and major achievement, but I big to differ for a very important reason to me: I didn't feel I gave it my 100% effort, I felt obligated to finish, and I don't enjoy working under pressure AT ALL. On the other side, there is something that I had tremendous happiness achieving; that would be my TOEFL score. It's not because I studied 100% for it; you can't study 100% for a language test; vocabulary will always keep "popping up in your face", however; it was a period of study that I enjoyed immensely. I didn't look at it as an obligation; I looked at it as a sweet treat, and that paid off; I scored big time! So I'm considering this to be my only achievement that's worthy of being a source of pride.
I can consider my sense of maturity to be an additional bonus point in my achievements; I'm growing more in control of my temper, more in control of my depression, more in control of my judgment of people, more desiring to have fun in life, and more understanding of the different actions people make. I'm less and less inclined to bad-mouth people, less inclined to ignore the important things that need to be done, and less keen on appearances.
OK; maybe it wasn't that bad a year, but I have to put in mind the fact that all these revelations came very late in the year, so I'm sticking to my guns on this one; 2007 wasn't fun for me. 2008 on the other hand has this aura around it that whispers to me that maybe - just maybe - it can be a good year. It's a funny thing actually because I love the number 7 more and use it more in almost every section that involves random number choices and almost always ignore the number 8. Well, let's hope that this eight is a "magic" eight! Coming to think of it, only the zero and the eight have no end when they're written (something I'll definitely google to find any possible significance for), and guess what, I'll be 30 in 8/2008 (Man! This better mean something or I'm gonna be so frustrated!) Anyway; enough of the superstitions, bottom line is I don't know why this year will be different, but I'm sensing good things coming my way. This is practically the first time I become optimistic and even enthusiastic about something, so let's hope that at least I won't get disappointed this time. I want to go out and celebrate for the first time ever, and I feel the good spirit in me despite a lot of bad things that are happening these days.
Happy New Year everybody, I wish every one gets his or her heart's pleasure.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
The Plan
I talked in a previous blog entry about my uncle Mohamed and how he's a very intelligent and ambitious man. Actually, there are three aspects of his character that fascinate me: his intelligence, his achievements, and the way he's raising his kids. Over the years and after we returned permanently from Libya, I was pretty much occupied during our family gatherings with making myself "noticed." You see; we were always the "distant relatives" who spent their entire lives away from the family. My mother missed the major milestones in her family's history; my grandpa's death, the birth of all of my cousins, and the marriage of her two brothers. So I wanted very much to "fit in" as I always tried when we were in Libya (looks like I'll never fit in anyway in any place!!!)
Anyway, this "fitting in" practice faded throughout the years and was replaced with a keen desire to observe the mechanics of this family; how they talk, how they think, how they love and how they progress in life. I knew it was common knowledge that my uncle Mohamed was extremely smart; he spent his high school years in the "A class" which can be found in most schools in Egypt. He went to study in Cairo ever since and went to the Faculty of Engineering. There he became an electrical engineer, and moved on to work for some high profile companies such as Ezz and Elswedy. What's remarkable about his professional career is that he never settled for mediocre jobs; he had to be on top and advancing, so when things ultimately didn't fit his aims, he went on to build his own company.
The best part that I liked to observe and learn about was his relationship with his kids. I think that from the day they were born he had drawn in his mind a "plan" to raise his kids the right way. He wanted them to have respect of his authority and their mother's authority; the two never to conflict, so I guess they made a purposeful agreement on that plan. His kids must have faith in his opinions, choices, and orders, but at the same time he's encouraging them to build a creative mindset and express their opinions freely and with respect. They must respect his family members and have polite manners without being dull and wallflowers. The most beautiful thing was that he encouraged them to have hobbies; something most parents "kill" in their kids because hobbies take time that should be spent "studying."
He once told me that he used to search the Internet to find ways, games, and quizzes that would enhance his kids' creativity. I was really fascinated by this fact, and even did my own searching out of curiosity. What's beautiful about that is that he didn't take the easy way out; he works so hard to ensure that his company is successful and enough financial security is provided for his family. He could've said: "let their mother take care of all this miss, I already do my job securing their future." No, he doesn't say that, he plays with them, he watches TV with them, he keeps track of their activities, and he keeps "installing" his ideals in them. He once told me with a strange look in his eyes that he fears for his kids; he looks at them and wonders how their future would turn out to be. I wanted to assure him that two things provide him with a good guarantee: the first was that he was there - in every meaning of the word - for them, and the second was that he planted his values with such a smart way that they will follow him with no second thoughts.
You should look at his kids watching him when he talks about something; their eyes full of fascination, adoration and awe at their father, their love and worshiping very obvious to the naked eye, and their "ultimate trust" in him evident in their words. That doesn't stop them from asking questions and raising logical paradoxes that grow in complexity as they grow in age. I like to watch that and how he handles it; with wisdom and admiration of his own at his kids' brilliancy. The beautiful thing is they're not "empty" replicas of him or even of each other; every one has his own distinctive character and their father deals with each one according to that character.
In my previous entry, I talked about my uncle's opinion of his mother and how he saw her as an exemplary mother who missed some things that he needed. That was what he needed I guess; a plan with a target to reach, which is a way to raise your child in mind, soul, and ideals as much as in body and emotions. He devised and understood the plan and had the perseverance to follow it through, I think that he'll enjoy the fruits of his work; much as my grandma enjoys the fruits of hers. I would like to sit with him one day and ask him how he found ways to make his plan work so good.
Anyway, this "fitting in" practice faded throughout the years and was replaced with a keen desire to observe the mechanics of this family; how they talk, how they think, how they love and how they progress in life. I knew it was common knowledge that my uncle Mohamed was extremely smart; he spent his high school years in the "A class" which can be found in most schools in Egypt. He went to study in Cairo ever since and went to the Faculty of Engineering. There he became an electrical engineer, and moved on to work for some high profile companies such as Ezz and Elswedy. What's remarkable about his professional career is that he never settled for mediocre jobs; he had to be on top and advancing, so when things ultimately didn't fit his aims, he went on to build his own company.
The best part that I liked to observe and learn about was his relationship with his kids. I think that from the day they were born he had drawn in his mind a "plan" to raise his kids the right way. He wanted them to have respect of his authority and their mother's authority; the two never to conflict, so I guess they made a purposeful agreement on that plan. His kids must have faith in his opinions, choices, and orders, but at the same time he's encouraging them to build a creative mindset and express their opinions freely and with respect. They must respect his family members and have polite manners without being dull and wallflowers. The most beautiful thing was that he encouraged them to have hobbies; something most parents "kill" in their kids because hobbies take time that should be spent "studying."
He once told me that he used to search the Internet to find ways, games, and quizzes that would enhance his kids' creativity. I was really fascinated by this fact, and even did my own searching out of curiosity. What's beautiful about that is that he didn't take the easy way out; he works so hard to ensure that his company is successful and enough financial security is provided for his family. He could've said: "let their mother take care of all this miss, I already do my job securing their future." No, he doesn't say that, he plays with them, he watches TV with them, he keeps track of their activities, and he keeps "installing" his ideals in them. He once told me with a strange look in his eyes that he fears for his kids; he looks at them and wonders how their future would turn out to be. I wanted to assure him that two things provide him with a good guarantee: the first was that he was there - in every meaning of the word - for them, and the second was that he planted his values with such a smart way that they will follow him with no second thoughts.
You should look at his kids watching him when he talks about something; their eyes full of fascination, adoration and awe at their father, their love and worshiping very obvious to the naked eye, and their "ultimate trust" in him evident in their words. That doesn't stop them from asking questions and raising logical paradoxes that grow in complexity as they grow in age. I like to watch that and how he handles it; with wisdom and admiration of his own at his kids' brilliancy. The beautiful thing is they're not "empty" replicas of him or even of each other; every one has his own distinctive character and their father deals with each one according to that character.
In my previous entry, I talked about my uncle's opinion of his mother and how he saw her as an exemplary mother who missed some things that he needed. That was what he needed I guess; a plan with a target to reach, which is a way to raise your child in mind, soul, and ideals as much as in body and emotions. He devised and understood the plan and had the perseverance to follow it through, I think that he'll enjoy the fruits of his work; much as my grandma enjoys the fruits of hers. I would like to sit with him one day and ask him how he found ways to make his plan work so good.
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Tribute to Sa3deyya Saqr
Over the years, I didn't see the point to my life, I mean I don't know why I do certain things and act in certain ways and make certain choices. I "stumbled" upon my hobbies out of chance, I went to a certain faculty just to spite my dad (may Allah bless his soul), and at this phase of my life I can't figure out what is it that drives me, actually it's absolutely nothing; I do my job because I'm supposed to, I gain social and professional skills because they'll help my job and my relationships with people, not to reach an "ultimate" goal.
How is this related to Sa3deyya Saqr? Well, first I have to introduce her; she's my maternal grandma; she's in her seventies, and she has the most fascinating character I've ever seen! She's an old fashioned woman who believes a woman's "ultimate" goal is to give this world healthy, well-mannered, and successful children. She did just that! She had six children in what we call a "middle-class" family. Life was never easy; on the contrary, some days were very hard financially and socially. She had a rough marriage, but she kept it well preserved. She could not afford to provide her kids with life material luxuries, but she compensated that with a simple loving heart. She was a very neat woman; keeping her house clean and her food sinfully delicious, and she didn't do it in loneliness, she used to gather her children around her in the kitchen and make stuff, and she gave every one of her daughters a hand craft to master so that they can always have something to do. She kept her house in pristine state; you can not find anything out of order, even made a fashionable "dressing" to the old fashioned oven "gas tube" so that you don't have to see its ugliness. She used to make her kids' clothing on the sewing machine. Up til now, she can still reflect "beauty" on anything that "looks" wrong or out of place.
You'd think that I'd say she's a highly cultured woman with sophisticated political and social views! Well, none of that, I once found one of her school books, and what did it contain? brilliant methods to do house work; dress-making, tips, recipes,...etc. I marvelled not only on the fact that she actually "studied" that but also that she kept it for all these years (we're talking about things from the forties and fifties here.) and she always has a solution to any problem within that area; a small problem like aligning winter blankets? she made buttons on one and holes o the other and Voila!! you link the two together and no aligning problem!
Once I had a discussion with my uncle Mohamed; whom I'd like very much to have a blog entry about because he's a very interesting character, but the conversation was about our "mothers"; his mother and his sister. He asked me: "was your mother a good mother?" and he has specific standards to the "yes" answer, I said "No" and we had a mutual understanding that we both meant the same set of standards. I asked then: "Did you?" and he said (and I hope to quote it right): "She was a good mother in the sense that she took good care of her children's physical needs; she provided good food, good clothing as her tight budget allowed, and good shelter. She provided a sanctuary for us. But she was not culturally motivating or highly sophisticated." Maybe the latter meaning was implied in his answer and not stated explicitly, but I understand what he meant; he meant that as an "intillegent" man, he needed more of his parents than that, and I think that "more" should've come from his father except for the fact that they were at odds. Of course by me answering "No" to his question I meant that my mother didn't even provide those basic needs; it was out of her hand to some degree; but a mother is never forgiven for her mishaps! My uncle has a theory that I concluded through observation; which is "Everything you say, do, or make your child do, must be for a higher purpose to be achieved and value to be gained and ingrained in him." Well, my grandma may not be that sophisticated, but she had a wonderful thing to give her kids that sophistication can't provide: a gathering that can be happy in spite of the individuals' problems. The siblings gather in the kitchen with her and remember with a laugh, a sigh, and a joke, how they did in the old days. The kitchen is the sanctuary where all problems fade aways and only the old smells and voices remain in the atmosphere.
This about sums up why I opened my entry the way I did; I want to have that deep and wonderful effect in some people who will carry that effect through the ages. I know that if I'm destined to have kids one day I'll tell them the story of this great and wonderful woman who single-handedly raised six children and made them very successful in their current positions in life, and tried as hard as she could to make their harsh life easier with her warmness. Her presence still provides power to their annual gatherings, even as she grows more and more silent over the years. She enjoys watching them around her, competing to make her life comfortable and enjoyable. Maybe you can't discuss political or cultural matters with her, but you'll sure get a helpful and beautiful hint to make life better and easier and more "beautiful."
How is this related to Sa3deyya Saqr? Well, first I have to introduce her; she's my maternal grandma; she's in her seventies, and she has the most fascinating character I've ever seen! She's an old fashioned woman who believes a woman's "ultimate" goal is to give this world healthy, well-mannered, and successful children. She did just that! She had six children in what we call a "middle-class" family. Life was never easy; on the contrary, some days were very hard financially and socially. She had a rough marriage, but she kept it well preserved. She could not afford to provide her kids with life material luxuries, but she compensated that with a simple loving heart. She was a very neat woman; keeping her house clean and her food sinfully delicious, and she didn't do it in loneliness, she used to gather her children around her in the kitchen and make stuff, and she gave every one of her daughters a hand craft to master so that they can always have something to do. She kept her house in pristine state; you can not find anything out of order, even made a fashionable "dressing" to the old fashioned oven "gas tube" so that you don't have to see its ugliness. She used to make her kids' clothing on the sewing machine. Up til now, she can still reflect "beauty" on anything that "looks" wrong or out of place.
You'd think that I'd say she's a highly cultured woman with sophisticated political and social views! Well, none of that, I once found one of her school books, and what did it contain? brilliant methods to do house work; dress-making, tips, recipes,...etc. I marvelled not only on the fact that she actually "studied" that but also that she kept it for all these years (we're talking about things from the forties and fifties here.) and she always has a solution to any problem within that area; a small problem like aligning winter blankets? she made buttons on one and holes o the other and Voila!! you link the two together and no aligning problem!
Once I had a discussion with my uncle Mohamed; whom I'd like very much to have a blog entry about because he's a very interesting character, but the conversation was about our "mothers"; his mother and his sister. He asked me: "was your mother a good mother?" and he has specific standards to the "yes" answer, I said "No" and we had a mutual understanding that we both meant the same set of standards. I asked then: "Did you?" and he said (and I hope to quote it right): "She was a good mother in the sense that she took good care of her children's physical needs; she provided good food, good clothing as her tight budget allowed, and good shelter. She provided a sanctuary for us. But she was not culturally motivating or highly sophisticated." Maybe the latter meaning was implied in his answer and not stated explicitly, but I understand what he meant; he meant that as an "intillegent" man, he needed more of his parents than that, and I think that "more" should've come from his father except for the fact that they were at odds. Of course by me answering "No" to his question I meant that my mother didn't even provide those basic needs; it was out of her hand to some degree; but a mother is never forgiven for her mishaps! My uncle has a theory that I concluded through observation; which is "Everything you say, do, or make your child do, must be for a higher purpose to be achieved and value to be gained and ingrained in him." Well, my grandma may not be that sophisticated, but she had a wonderful thing to give her kids that sophistication can't provide: a gathering that can be happy in spite of the individuals' problems. The siblings gather in the kitchen with her and remember with a laugh, a sigh, and a joke, how they did in the old days. The kitchen is the sanctuary where all problems fade aways and only the old smells and voices remain in the atmosphere.
This about sums up why I opened my entry the way I did; I want to have that deep and wonderful effect in some people who will carry that effect through the ages. I know that if I'm destined to have kids one day I'll tell them the story of this great and wonderful woman who single-handedly raised six children and made them very successful in their current positions in life, and tried as hard as she could to make their harsh life easier with her warmness. Her presence still provides power to their annual gatherings, even as she grows more and more silent over the years. She enjoys watching them around her, competing to make her life comfortable and enjoyable. Maybe you can't discuss political or cultural matters with her, but you'll sure get a helpful and beautiful hint to make life better and easier and more "beautiful."
Friday, December 21, 2007
"I don’t have the desire to put myself in their shoes"
This quote from a blog entry of a dear friend and colleague; Ghada, is what's been playing in my head for two weeks now needing to come out as a blog of its own. She spelled it out first, and that encouraged me to write. I understand she might be having these feelings about the students due to personal or domestic problems, but I think it's mostly because of two things: the first was that she had to deal with a generation of students that can be irritating because they're more and more "programmed" to have things readily available to them in what I can call "success capsules". That sector won't waste time trying to make an effort or understand; and they were treated in their homes as if these capsules are their "right" in this life so they have to get them as their right in college. The second reason is that we contributed to her negative feelings about the students with our own complaints and negative views of the students and maybe the faculty as a whole. Someone told me once: "Don't let the people outside realize how bad things are inside; you're not only making them see the bad side of your system, you're making them lose faith and trust in the system, including you because you're still a part of it." People "need" to "know" your system is stable or they not only will freak out, but they'll question everything you say or do that involves them and is related to the system. If our negative views are a part of the reason you feel bad about the job Ghada then I'm truly sorry for this.
Now that's only a side note; what I really wanted to talk about is the quote; its meaning and its implications. When I was a student, I only saw my world of lectures, sections, homework, assignments, and projects. I didn't give a damn about "others"; be that my parents or my teachers. I only saw my hardships and problems and I was engrossed in my friends and study. Then I became a TA, and the picture was altered completely! I saw the students as a different and annoying species, except for some of them who really put a smile on my face whenever I see them in a section. At first, you do the job the best way you can, and I wanted -while doing my job- to have every single students understand completely what I'm talking about. I became more and more frustrated as I realized this is not happening no matter how much I try. At the beginning I was frustrated with myself, then as years passed by and the same scenario happened, I began to blame the students; they don't want to understand, they don't want to make an effort, they don't want to evolve and reach higher standards in science and in real life. This is true for some students; but I skipped a very important fact: the normal distribution! There has to be students who do not want to progress, and there has to be students who want to progress for personal gain, and there has to be students who are "geniuses". I came to the conclusion that it's up to us as TAs and lecturers to "widen" the area of the curve that belongs to geniuses, and this only happens when you try to "engage" students that are highly motivated to join the "geniuses club." how to engage this category of students is a matter of finding out how to present an "excellent material" with an "excellent way."
Once I realized that this distribution in itself is not my problem and that "shaping" it is the problem that I need to address, I began to relax a little bit and try to focus on the new mission, I don't have a solution yet, but I'll keep looking and experimenting until I get there. I also began to look at the students with fresh eyes; trying to understand why the different categories would behave in different ways. The important breakthrough I had out of this realization really extended to all the other aspects of my life. I began to see why other people may act in certain ways, and not only that; but I began to imagine how would I've acted had I been in their "shoes." In the past I'd see the bus driver curse at a someone crossing the street and slowing him down and I'd say to myself "how impolite! What's the big deal?!" Now I can understand his frustration. I see my friend complaining about the kids and how hard it is to take care of them and instead of criticizing her for it I begin to see the stress she's under. I look at a student who's coming late half an hour to class and instead of kicking him or her out I say "surely he's detained for reasons beyond his will, and even if he's not, he already missed the important part of the section when I explain what we'll do, so he is a loser anyway."
A human is not born with this realization; he grows into it, and when this realization fully evolves, a lot of good things come with it; compassion, forgiveness, appreciation, and most important of all, peace of mind. You do not obsess about things, you rather "understand" why they are the way they are, and if that way is the "wrong" way, you can find a solution because you "understand" and "sympathize", the solution here is not for a problem; you don't have to deal with it as a problem because it's not your problem, the solution here is rather a "way" to deal with these things that brings you the peace of mind. For example; a student being impolite with me can be because he's raised that way or because he's extremely stressed out because he "has" to succeed because of his ambition or reasons other than his ambition. If I look at him this way, I'll understand that most probably his impoliteness is not directed at me as much as it's directed at my ability to make him move forward or backward. If he's raised to be impolite then me taking action is justifiable. If it's the other reason then instead of aggravating him even more I can assure him and make him lighten a little bit. This way we both win; I win a student who's more positive toward his study and who respects me for understanding his situation, and he wins some peace of mind and a feeling of security because someone does understand and is willing to give him a hand.
I admit that my views of today's students is not optimistic, and I still believe that the portion of them who do not want to make an effort to progress is only increasing, but I can't work putting that perspective in front of my eyes. I have to believe in them, even if they don't believe in themselves. I have to work as if they want to make things better, maybe then they WILL make things better, maybe if they see that you have hopes in them they'll start acting on it in a good way.
As for putting yourself in others shoes, it's a strategy you'll acquire only when you want to, and when you do have it, it will make you friends and allies you never dreamed you could have, and it will make you more loving of the world you're in, even when it's not perfect!
Now that's only a side note; what I really wanted to talk about is the quote; its meaning and its implications. When I was a student, I only saw my world of lectures, sections, homework, assignments, and projects. I didn't give a damn about "others"; be that my parents or my teachers. I only saw my hardships and problems and I was engrossed in my friends and study. Then I became a TA, and the picture was altered completely! I saw the students as a different and annoying species, except for some of them who really put a smile on my face whenever I see them in a section. At first, you do the job the best way you can, and I wanted -while doing my job- to have every single students understand completely what I'm talking about. I became more and more frustrated as I realized this is not happening no matter how much I try. At the beginning I was frustrated with myself, then as years passed by and the same scenario happened, I began to blame the students; they don't want to understand, they don't want to make an effort, they don't want to evolve and reach higher standards in science and in real life. This is true for some students; but I skipped a very important fact: the normal distribution! There has to be students who do not want to progress, and there has to be students who want to progress for personal gain, and there has to be students who are "geniuses". I came to the conclusion that it's up to us as TAs and lecturers to "widen" the area of the curve that belongs to geniuses, and this only happens when you try to "engage" students that are highly motivated to join the "geniuses club." how to engage this category of students is a matter of finding out how to present an "excellent material" with an "excellent way."
Once I realized that this distribution in itself is not my problem and that "shaping" it is the problem that I need to address, I began to relax a little bit and try to focus on the new mission, I don't have a solution yet, but I'll keep looking and experimenting until I get there. I also began to look at the students with fresh eyes; trying to understand why the different categories would behave in different ways. The important breakthrough I had out of this realization really extended to all the other aspects of my life. I began to see why other people may act in certain ways, and not only that; but I began to imagine how would I've acted had I been in their "shoes." In the past I'd see the bus driver curse at a someone crossing the street and slowing him down and I'd say to myself "how impolite! What's the big deal?!" Now I can understand his frustration. I see my friend complaining about the kids and how hard it is to take care of them and instead of criticizing her for it I begin to see the stress she's under. I look at a student who's coming late half an hour to class and instead of kicking him or her out I say "surely he's detained for reasons beyond his will, and even if he's not, he already missed the important part of the section when I explain what we'll do, so he is a loser anyway."
A human is not born with this realization; he grows into it, and when this realization fully evolves, a lot of good things come with it; compassion, forgiveness, appreciation, and most important of all, peace of mind. You do not obsess about things, you rather "understand" why they are the way they are, and if that way is the "wrong" way, you can find a solution because you "understand" and "sympathize", the solution here is not for a problem; you don't have to deal with it as a problem because it's not your problem, the solution here is rather a "way" to deal with these things that brings you the peace of mind. For example; a student being impolite with me can be because he's raised that way or because he's extremely stressed out because he "has" to succeed because of his ambition or reasons other than his ambition. If I look at him this way, I'll understand that most probably his impoliteness is not directed at me as much as it's directed at my ability to make him move forward or backward. If he's raised to be impolite then me taking action is justifiable. If it's the other reason then instead of aggravating him even more I can assure him and make him lighten a little bit. This way we both win; I win a student who's more positive toward his study and who respects me for understanding his situation, and he wins some peace of mind and a feeling of security because someone does understand and is willing to give him a hand.
I admit that my views of today's students is not optimistic, and I still believe that the portion of them who do not want to make an effort to progress is only increasing, but I can't work putting that perspective in front of my eyes. I have to believe in them, even if they don't believe in themselves. I have to work as if they want to make things better, maybe then they WILL make things better, maybe if they see that you have hopes in them they'll start acting on it in a good way.
As for putting yourself in others shoes, it's a strategy you'll acquire only when you want to, and when you do have it, it will make you friends and allies you never dreamed you could have, and it will make you more loving of the world you're in, even when it's not perfect!
Monday, December 17, 2007
I'm Done.....
At last this is the last day of the semester sections, and it was a very hard day. It was very hard for two reasons: the first is that I had to explain to the students a chapter that's heavy with conceptual theories that don't fit in with the common way people think; that is "The basis and dimension of a vector space and the vector spaces of a matrix." The second reason is that I had to do something I really hate in the section; that is stopping the section after a stupid comment made by a student and not finishing the last part. I'll not talk about the first reason because of its abstract nature, but the second reason is what really upset me. I always make excuses for students who are late, who want to freshen up after a previous section, and who are bored because they don't want to attend and are forced to because of the mandatory attendance policy. But the end of the semester is a critical time; professors are finishing up and stressing advanced chapters in the curricula, and students are recapping the previous subjects and raising questions. In general, the stress is escalating in volume. This last section combined all that; a dense and extensive chapter with lots of advanced concepts, and students who want to ask a lot of questions. I have to stress a fact here which is most of the students really don't care, even if they study hard, they don't care about science. The only interest for this majority is to pass the exams and score a high grade. They don't want to open the books and elaborate on their content, they don't want to search the web for additional material that may clarify things a little bit or even give novel ideas to do things. This means that no matter how many times I stress that they have to return to the textbook to find satisfying explanations, they don't listen, they want me to summarize the ideas and present them off-the-shelf for them to use ONLY for the exams. It's a rare sight to me to find a student who's interested in the mechanics of a subject outside the scope of the lecture.
Any way, this is what happened: I'm in the middle of the extensive section, trying my best to help them understand, and as soon as I finish a subject and move to the next, they start complaining and wanting me to stop, I say that this part is the last part of the section so please be patient, and one of the students say: "Heeeeeeeeeey" as in "Hurray". Sometimes the smallest things break you, and this audible "hey" broke me. Here I am, preparing for this section for two weeks now, trying to understand and find a way for them to understand, and this is the last they will see of me, and they need it bad, and all I hear is "hey"! I went blank then, I said in a calm voice: "I want whoever said this "hey" to get out of the section" Nobody moved, I said it again and still nobody moved. At last, I said something I never said before and have no intention to say again: "either this person gets out or I will not finish the last part and you study it on your own!!!!" Everyone freaked and they started objecting, for the first time I stood my grounds and insisted. I waited five minutes and when still nobody got out I took off.
There are two contradicting points I can make here: the first one is that it's completely normal for university students to study on their own and understand things, I did nothing wrong, just what every professor and lecturer can do every once in a while to stimulate the students to establish knowledge for themselves. The second point, though, is that I've been avoiding all my life the notion of being "unjust" to anyone, and I developed a technique of "putting myself in the shoes of others and understanding - rather than judging - their actions, however they may seem stupid, challenging, or irrational". I felt that today I was unjust to the students who wanted to understand, and even to the students who wanted to "pass with a good grade and forget all about it after the exam."
What's done is done, that's right, and I can make some corrective actions to remedy the mishap, but I keep blaming myself for one single fact; I was unjust while all my life I hated the practice of injustice that others do. I hope I learn never to do injustice to anyone for the rest of my life.
The good side of all this hassle is actually two things: that was my last section for the semester, and what happened made most of the students say good things about my section. Appreciation is a wonder drug, really, and I hope it can make me (a) forget about the bad things that happened today, and (b) make me appreciate - rather than fear - the responsibility I hold for my students welfare, even if it's not for the ultimate reason of science and progress.
Any way, this is what happened: I'm in the middle of the extensive section, trying my best to help them understand, and as soon as I finish a subject and move to the next, they start complaining and wanting me to stop, I say that this part is the last part of the section so please be patient, and one of the students say: "Heeeeeeeeeey" as in "Hurray". Sometimes the smallest things break you, and this audible "hey" broke me. Here I am, preparing for this section for two weeks now, trying to understand and find a way for them to understand, and this is the last they will see of me, and they need it bad, and all I hear is "hey"! I went blank then, I said in a calm voice: "I want whoever said this "hey" to get out of the section" Nobody moved, I said it again and still nobody moved. At last, I said something I never said before and have no intention to say again: "either this person gets out or I will not finish the last part and you study it on your own!!!!" Everyone freaked and they started objecting, for the first time I stood my grounds and insisted. I waited five minutes and when still nobody got out I took off.
There are two contradicting points I can make here: the first one is that it's completely normal for university students to study on their own and understand things, I did nothing wrong, just what every professor and lecturer can do every once in a while to stimulate the students to establish knowledge for themselves. The second point, though, is that I've been avoiding all my life the notion of being "unjust" to anyone, and I developed a technique of "putting myself in the shoes of others and understanding - rather than judging - their actions, however they may seem stupid, challenging, or irrational". I felt that today I was unjust to the students who wanted to understand, and even to the students who wanted to "pass with a good grade and forget all about it after the exam."
What's done is done, that's right, and I can make some corrective actions to remedy the mishap, but I keep blaming myself for one single fact; I was unjust while all my life I hated the practice of injustice that others do. I hope I learn never to do injustice to anyone for the rest of my life.
The good side of all this hassle is actually two things: that was my last section for the semester, and what happened made most of the students say good things about my section. Appreciation is a wonder drug, really, and I hope it can make me (a) forget about the bad things that happened today, and (b) make me appreciate - rather than fear - the responsibility I hold for my students welfare, even if it's not for the ultimate reason of science and progress.
A Seminar Gone Awry!
Yesterday, I attended a seminar for an Egyptian professor living and working in America. I should've blogged the event yesterday except for the fact that I got home around 9 and jump started the preparations of the Algebra section of today. Well, to make it short, I didn't attend the whole seminar due to the prior engagement of an "oral" exam I had to attend. What I learned from the seminar is not scientific as much as it is social.
First of all, the professor was late to show up, I think it's his fault, even if it wasn't. if he was available and got detained by formalities such as the head of the department "welcoming" him with tea and coffee, then the professor - being a staff member in the advanced world - should have pointed out the extreme importance of time and respect of appointments. If he himself was delayed, then he should have sent someone to notify the audience that the seminar will be delayed. We sat there, being used to never having anything happen on time (except for taking our attendance in a previous not so pleasant era!!!!) and we could've sat there for all it takes except for the fact I mentioned earlier that we had to conduct an "oral" exam.
The second fact was manifested when the professor began to talk; I know and I've seen many compulsive actions done by many people; including me, that can be words or gestures. He had a gesture that he kept repeating and it reminded me of someone I genuinely loathe; the gesture was him making a short "sometimes totally uncalled for" laugh after nearly every sentence. Oh my God how this irritated me to the extreme! For God's sake, why are you constantly laughing when you're talking science?! I know I'm being completely judgmental here since almost all people have such uncontrolled gestures, but I confess that such little things make me want to cry and hit my head to a wall. I have this notion that when we're young, we're energetic and hyperactive in many ways, and as we grow older and gain more wisdom, we grow to be quieter, more serene, and less inclined to use unnecessary body language. The fact that he "chose" laughing to be his "thing" pissed me off because it doesn't fit well with the seriousness of science. I'm not saying he should be gloomy and not make jokes or be funny, in fact, at some points he made excellent contact with the audience in the "fun" department. I'm just saying that when you're giving a presentation you should plan every word and every gesture and even every joke.
The third fact was his "unreasonable" aggressiveness towards attendants who didn't follow his lead or those who challenged his proposed model. He didn't handle discussions with courtesy, he was even sometimes impolite and embarrassed some of the audience, and sometimes "forced" the participation. I couldn't believe this could come out of someone who's that experienced and who lectured in so many universities. Even if he didn't want to answer a question or didn't "know" how to answer a question, he could've got out without embarrassing himself or the other part asking. Furthermore, if wanted to activate the concept of brainstorming, he should not do it with brute force, and when someone does participate with ideas, he shouldn't take them lightly even if they're wrong, when he takes these ideas lightly or attacks them, no one would want to participate and he'll have to talk to himself.
The forth point was his constant glorification of his experience and knowledge. I'm all for stating one's experience so that people can learn something out of it, but I hate people who talk about their experience and skills as unique and grand things that other people should cherish. I "know" your achievements so don't brag! And if I don't know then maybe I don't want to know! After all, I learned that when you're impressed with someone's talk about himself, this most probably means he "empty" inside. I'm not saying that he does not deserve to be known for his achievements, just please don't state it yourself, others will want to know out of their admiration of what you "say".
I wish I'd attended the whole seminar, maybe then I would've come out with some positive "points"; at least about the man if not about the science he was discussing, but maybe the points already made are good enough pointers for me to learn positive things from, or maybe I'm "programmed" to see the bad side of everything!
First of all, the professor was late to show up, I think it's his fault, even if it wasn't. if he was available and got detained by formalities such as the head of the department "welcoming" him with tea and coffee, then the professor - being a staff member in the advanced world - should have pointed out the extreme importance of time and respect of appointments. If he himself was delayed, then he should have sent someone to notify the audience that the seminar will be delayed. We sat there, being used to never having anything happen on time (except for taking our attendance in a previous not so pleasant era!!!!) and we could've sat there for all it takes except for the fact I mentioned earlier that we had to conduct an "oral" exam.
The second fact was manifested when the professor began to talk; I know and I've seen many compulsive actions done by many people; including me, that can be words or gestures. He had a gesture that he kept repeating and it reminded me of someone I genuinely loathe; the gesture was him making a short "sometimes totally uncalled for" laugh after nearly every sentence. Oh my God how this irritated me to the extreme! For God's sake, why are you constantly laughing when you're talking science?! I know I'm being completely judgmental here since almost all people have such uncontrolled gestures, but I confess that such little things make me want to cry and hit my head to a wall. I have this notion that when we're young, we're energetic and hyperactive in many ways, and as we grow older and gain more wisdom, we grow to be quieter, more serene, and less inclined to use unnecessary body language. The fact that he "chose" laughing to be his "thing" pissed me off because it doesn't fit well with the seriousness of science. I'm not saying he should be gloomy and not make jokes or be funny, in fact, at some points he made excellent contact with the audience in the "fun" department. I'm just saying that when you're giving a presentation you should plan every word and every gesture and even every joke.
The third fact was his "unreasonable" aggressiveness towards attendants who didn't follow his lead or those who challenged his proposed model. He didn't handle discussions with courtesy, he was even sometimes impolite and embarrassed some of the audience, and sometimes "forced" the participation. I couldn't believe this could come out of someone who's that experienced and who lectured in so many universities. Even if he didn't want to answer a question or didn't "know" how to answer a question, he could've got out without embarrassing himself or the other part asking. Furthermore, if wanted to activate the concept of brainstorming, he should not do it with brute force, and when someone does participate with ideas, he shouldn't take them lightly even if they're wrong, when he takes these ideas lightly or attacks them, no one would want to participate and he'll have to talk to himself.
The forth point was his constant glorification of his experience and knowledge. I'm all for stating one's experience so that people can learn something out of it, but I hate people who talk about their experience and skills as unique and grand things that other people should cherish. I "know" your achievements so don't brag! And if I don't know then maybe I don't want to know! After all, I learned that when you're impressed with someone's talk about himself, this most probably means he "empty" inside. I'm not saying that he does not deserve to be known for his achievements, just please don't state it yourself, others will want to know out of their admiration of what you "say".
I wish I'd attended the whole seminar, maybe then I would've come out with some positive "points"; at least about the man if not about the science he was discussing, but maybe the points already made are good enough pointers for me to learn positive things from, or maybe I'm "programmed" to see the bad side of everything!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Baking...
"To dream that you are baking, represents your creative self and you ability to make things out of seemingly nothing." Courtesy of dreammoods.com
I had a dream last night, a real dream not a day dream, I was baking a lot of things; bread, cookies, you name it and I baked it in the dream. I didn't understand my exact mood in the dream, but I was leaning on "not good". And since I'm so intrigued by my dreams I always look for an interpretation, so I searched for the meaning of my dream and the opening quote came up. This actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a dear colleague and friend; Seyam, in which I stated that I am not a creative person; maybe analytical but not creative. I have this idea about myself that I can't "invent" ideas from no where; especially in science. Maybe I can be a bit creative in arts, but I have this strong concept that I can't dare to be inventive as great scientists in mathematics and physics. I'm a "structured" person; meaning I believe in rules and laws and I don't like "out of the box" notions that contradict my common sense and perception. It doesn't mean I don't like creative ideas and concepts, actually I'm intrigued by them and "jealous" of people who can produce them. Well, why am I thinking I have to be a creative and great inventor? Because someone once said that this is what a university professor should be. I don't want to be a mediocre faculty staff who can only manage to scrape little knowledge, I want to be great, and I don't think I have "greatness" in me. Seyam said an interesting comment: "maybe you need someone to tell you you can do great things, and maybe you need to overcome the mental barrier you put in from of your mind that you aren't creative!"
I don't know, maybe it's all a reflection of the whole self-esteem issue, I convinced myself for a long time that I "can't" so now I really can't, and if I change my attitude then maybe then I "can", and this reminds me of another wise quote: "Those who can, do"
Maybe this dream is my inner voice telling me to try and believe in me, especially when I'm this close to travelling abroad to get my PhD people I always considered "geniuses". We'll see if I "can"!!!!
I had a dream last night, a real dream not a day dream, I was baking a lot of things; bread, cookies, you name it and I baked it in the dream. I didn't understand my exact mood in the dream, but I was leaning on "not good". And since I'm so intrigued by my dreams I always look for an interpretation, so I searched for the meaning of my dream and the opening quote came up. This actually reminded me of a conversation I had with a dear colleague and friend; Seyam, in which I stated that I am not a creative person; maybe analytical but not creative. I have this idea about myself that I can't "invent" ideas from no where; especially in science. Maybe I can be a bit creative in arts, but I have this strong concept that I can't dare to be inventive as great scientists in mathematics and physics. I'm a "structured" person; meaning I believe in rules and laws and I don't like "out of the box" notions that contradict my common sense and perception. It doesn't mean I don't like creative ideas and concepts, actually I'm intrigued by them and "jealous" of people who can produce them. Well, why am I thinking I have to be a creative and great inventor? Because someone once said that this is what a university professor should be. I don't want to be a mediocre faculty staff who can only manage to scrape little knowledge, I want to be great, and I don't think I have "greatness" in me. Seyam said an interesting comment: "maybe you need someone to tell you you can do great things, and maybe you need to overcome the mental barrier you put in from of your mind that you aren't creative!"
I don't know, maybe it's all a reflection of the whole self-esteem issue, I convinced myself for a long time that I "can't" so now I really can't, and if I change my attitude then maybe then I "can", and this reminds me of another wise quote: "Those who can, do"
Maybe this dream is my inner voice telling me to try and believe in me, especially when I'm this close to travelling abroad to get my PhD people I always considered "geniuses". We'll see if I "can"!!!!
University Staff Payroll Dilemma
I urge you to read this article about the crisis of the University staff payroll that's currently discussed by Egyptian professors and researchers, I think the link will work fine because it's not from Al-Ahram..
http://www.elfagr.org/TestAjaxNews.aspx?nwsId=7774&secid=2276
I have no comment on the article except that I think the sufferers are a very small section and not the whole sector..that's based on my observation..maybe the picture is more gloomy in Cairo, being the capital and all. As for young researchers and assisting staff (like me and my colleagues) I know the situation is bad, and I don't think I'm a whistleblower if I state that the only way some can make ends meet is via private tutoring. I don't think it's a wrong way in itself, because I know that it's acceptable practice around the world. I think what makes it a frowned-upon activity is two reasons: the first being this idea that we don't want the students to believe that by taking private lessons they can figure out what the exam will be like since the assisting staff will have a clear idea. The second reason is this "stupid" concept that the state employee should not work outside of the government as this will tarnish his "dignified image". I don't understand what's wrong with having a job that helps people improve their life standard. REGULATE, people! Don't prohibit!
I don't know, I never had the urge to work extra hours in other places, but I don't blame people who do that unless the other work affects their performance in their primary job. After all, I have this ideal image about my job not just being about "delivering" information to students, it's more about helping them "formulate" knowledge about the world and about themselves. It's not just the average job, it's a message to be conveyed.
http://www.elfagr.org/TestAjaxNews.aspx?nwsId=7774&secid=2276
I have no comment on the article except that I think the sufferers are a very small section and not the whole sector..that's based on my observation..maybe the picture is more gloomy in Cairo, being the capital and all. As for young researchers and assisting staff (like me and my colleagues) I know the situation is bad, and I don't think I'm a whistleblower if I state that the only way some can make ends meet is via private tutoring. I don't think it's a wrong way in itself, because I know that it's acceptable practice around the world. I think what makes it a frowned-upon activity is two reasons: the first being this idea that we don't want the students to believe that by taking private lessons they can figure out what the exam will be like since the assisting staff will have a clear idea. The second reason is this "stupid" concept that the state employee should not work outside of the government as this will tarnish his "dignified image". I don't understand what's wrong with having a job that helps people improve their life standard. REGULATE, people! Don't prohibit!
I don't know, I never had the urge to work extra hours in other places, but I don't blame people who do that unless the other work affects their performance in their primary job. After all, I have this ideal image about my job not just being about "delivering" information to students, it's more about helping them "formulate" knowledge about the world and about themselves. It's not just the average job, it's a message to be conveyed.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A Dissection of A Dream
Today I had a short but an insightful discussion with a close friend of mine; Amira, and it was about a dream she had. I won’t talk about the dream itself, but about two concepts that emerged from it. The first concept is that a woman’s beauty comes mainly from her sense of worthiness; her inner belief that she deserves the best and it’s not wrong to have it. It’s true that when a woman “feels” beautiful she has every chance of dazzling the world with her presence, and the contrary applies. When she was telling me the dream, she wasn’t feeling that she didn’t deserve its events; she felt entitled. I, on the other hand, felt that I’d never dare to have the same dream in my own “dreams” because I don’t have as much self worthiness as she does. Although very close people around me told me and keep telling me I have a rare potential to be a special person, I don’t hold the same idea about myself. It’s true that this is sometimes due to a desire to be humble and not give my ego the chance to manifest itself; I’m a LEO after all, and LEOs tend to feel certain greatness about them. But this feeling is mostly due to a deep feeling of being “wrong”, meaning that I always question my judgment, my ideas, and my capabilities. On the rare occasions when I let my trust in me rise, I harvested very good impressions from people, but I don’t let my self-trust shine all the time; maybe because I’m a coward (a colleague told me when I said I’m a coward that I’m totally wrong and she believes I’m much braver than I think I am!).
The second concept is that women choose in their course of life to either marry men who can provide financial security or marry men who provide “emotional” security. At first, we joked about which choice is smarter and that we are stupid or “wesh fa2r” to make the second choice, but when we elaborated on the matter further I found out that when a woman makes the first choice; she chooses to satiate the material needs which will never be satiated. On the other side; when a woman makes the second choice; she chooses to satiate mental and emotional needs, which can be fulfilled even with the least of nice gestures from a man, she chooses to live a happy life, not a lavish life. (Wouldn’t it be great if she can have both?!!)
Of course, a stupid woman can choose a man who has neither, and I don’t see a reason on earth to make a woman do that unless she wants just to get by in life and not live it. I don’t wish this fate to any woman…
The second concept is that women choose in their course of life to either marry men who can provide financial security or marry men who provide “emotional” security. At first, we joked about which choice is smarter and that we are stupid or “wesh fa2r” to make the second choice, but when we elaborated on the matter further I found out that when a woman makes the first choice; she chooses to satiate the material needs which will never be satiated. On the other side; when a woman makes the second choice; she chooses to satiate mental and emotional needs, which can be fulfilled even with the least of nice gestures from a man, she chooses to live a happy life, not a lavish life. (Wouldn’t it be great if she can have both?!!)
Of course, a stupid woman can choose a man who has neither, and I don’t see a reason on earth to make a woman do that unless she wants just to get by in life and not live it. I don’t wish this fate to any woman…
Grissom or Warrick?
I watch CSI on a regular basis, and I love two characters; Grissom and Warrick. The first is the epitome of the objective scientific personality who let’s no prejudice color its judgment of the problem under investigation. He’s cool, observant, really engrossed in science, and although he has a specialized area in which he excels; he’s well acquainted with the general topics of his work. The only thing he’s passionate about is his science. On the other hand, Warrick is a red-blooded man who is masterful of his profession; he’s observant, experienced, self-confident, strong, and passionate. It’s his passion that may sometimes cloud his judgment, and that’s what he tries to learn from his mentor Grissom.
Watching the show, I figured I may be closer in personality to Warrick, but striving to be Grissom. I sometimes question this desire to be so objective, cool, and not prejudiced. I mean is it better to be the perfect scientist and let nothing affect your scientific thinking? Or is it a good thing to have the imperfection of letting passion cause you to make mistakes every once in a while? Each side has its attractions, but each side has its drawbacks. Some may think that if a person is passionate, he won’t be able to cool down and be objective. I argue the contrary, because as time passes, I find myself more and more “cooling down” and less inclined to let my passion rule me. But I don’t know if this is a part of the “growing up” process, a transformation I’m cognitively making inside of me, or an inevitable phase you pass through as you “think” you have more knowledge.
I can’t decide which side to choose, and I’m afraid that by the time I make up my mind, I’ll have committed all the stupid mistakes people do in the name of passion, and I hate mistakes because regret becomes overwhelming.
Watching the show, I figured I may be closer in personality to Warrick, but striving to be Grissom. I sometimes question this desire to be so objective, cool, and not prejudiced. I mean is it better to be the perfect scientist and let nothing affect your scientific thinking? Or is it a good thing to have the imperfection of letting passion cause you to make mistakes every once in a while? Each side has its attractions, but each side has its drawbacks. Some may think that if a person is passionate, he won’t be able to cool down and be objective. I argue the contrary, because as time passes, I find myself more and more “cooling down” and less inclined to let my passion rule me. But I don’t know if this is a part of the “growing up” process, a transformation I’m cognitively making inside of me, or an inevitable phase you pass through as you “think” you have more knowledge.
I can’t decide which side to choose, and I’m afraid that by the time I make up my mind, I’ll have committed all the stupid mistakes people do in the name of passion, and I hate mistakes because regret becomes overwhelming.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Imaginary Breaks...
I'm afraid of heights; well, "afraid" is actually an understatement! Heights terrify me to my core. I can't look from a balcony and not feel anxiety, and when we go on entertainment trips, I can't bring myself to ride any games that depend on heights of any kind. Why should I care about this "phobia"? Everybody has his demons anyway! Well, the reason why I obsess about my phobia that much is that I think it's a mask to a bigger fear deep inside; fear of adventure, fear of experiments, fear of going after what I want, fear of the unknown…I have all these fears, and I let them guide my way of thinking and my actions. A simple thing like riding a big bus makes me hit "imaginary" breaks whenever I think the driver is driving "too" fast for me, or holding to a solid bar whenever I feel him taking a turn "too" fast for me. In the past I didn't care much about this; thinking it's only natural, but lately I developed this idea that I'm a coward because all these things mean that I chicken whenever there is uncertainty or ambiguity in my life. I hate that things can go wrong in my life, and I hate that I may not be able sometimes to have a solution to a situation gone wrong. Maybe that's a part of the reason I don't trust people easily; because it means having to let down the guard of safety I'm carefully surrounding myself with.
Since I know that it's a scientific fact that humans "develop" phobias and are not born with them, I attempted to trace back the psychological reasons for this phobia; just like what any self-respecting psychologist would do. I think I have an idea where all this is coming from. It appears that a combination of minimum exposure to real life together with harsh childhood circumstances made a rich background for this phobia. As a child, I only knew two places of existence; my house and the school. I had no social life of any kind, and growing up in a household where the parents are working fulltime (literally from 7 am to 12 pm) and getting education at schools where you're a total "outsider" helped in ways and damaged in ways. It helped me be self-reliant and goal-oriented (that's the only way you could prove yourself, and you had to prove yourself to avoid verbal abuse and being shunned), but it damaged my sense of security and acceptance beyond repair. I didn't have a solid and dependable base from which I could launch and reach my potential, so I had to stick close to whatever fragile base I had.
After realizing that I gradually made my phobia a way of life rather than a normal human fear, I began to make conscious decisions whenever I catch myself succumbing to the fear. When I'm in the bus, I force my feet to relax and not hit the "imaginary" breaks, I force my hands to let go of the chair or the bar. (I still can't bring myself to ride the rollercoaster and other games in the entertainment parks!!!) and I force myself to face any uncomfortable situations with a calm resolution. However, this can solve some problems, and over time, it made me less intimidated towards unexpected and undesired situations, but the fear is still "there" and probably will never go away. I don't know if at some point it may surface back to control me again, but I made a decision to fight with my mind and trust with my heart as much as I can.
Since I know that it's a scientific fact that humans "develop" phobias and are not born with them, I attempted to trace back the psychological reasons for this phobia; just like what any self-respecting psychologist would do. I think I have an idea where all this is coming from. It appears that a combination of minimum exposure to real life together with harsh childhood circumstances made a rich background for this phobia. As a child, I only knew two places of existence; my house and the school. I had no social life of any kind, and growing up in a household where the parents are working fulltime (literally from 7 am to 12 pm) and getting education at schools where you're a total "outsider" helped in ways and damaged in ways. It helped me be self-reliant and goal-oriented (that's the only way you could prove yourself, and you had to prove yourself to avoid verbal abuse and being shunned), but it damaged my sense of security and acceptance beyond repair. I didn't have a solid and dependable base from which I could launch and reach my potential, so I had to stick close to whatever fragile base I had.
After realizing that I gradually made my phobia a way of life rather than a normal human fear, I began to make conscious decisions whenever I catch myself succumbing to the fear. When I'm in the bus, I force my feet to relax and not hit the "imaginary" breaks, I force my hands to let go of the chair or the bar. (I still can't bring myself to ride the rollercoaster and other games in the entertainment parks!!!) and I force myself to face any uncomfortable situations with a calm resolution. However, this can solve some problems, and over time, it made me less intimidated towards unexpected and undesired situations, but the fear is still "there" and probably will never go away. I don't know if at some point it may surface back to control me again, but I made a decision to fight with my mind and trust with my heart as much as I can.
Friday, November 30, 2007
To Program or Not To Program? What is The Problem?!
The reason I'm writing this blog entry is two-fold: Analyzing the problems I faced with the students for three consecutive years teaching data structures, and trying to answer the eternal question asked by pure information systems fans: Do I have to program to survive the IT industry?
I'll first address the first part of the reason because it was what triggered the entry in the first place. The problem that made me wonder so many times and ask the question about programming was the fact that in the second year, I'm asked to teach the students a very hot topic (data structures) while they're oblivious to the fundamentals of programming; and I mean basic programming (either that or I'm totally getting the wrong signs from their confused looks and questions.) Students cannot understand what functions are, how they're called, what's the difference between variables and objects, or between data types and reference types, how to define a class, what can be a class, how to debug, and most of all how to read and correct programming errors (either syntax or logic ones.)
Let me clarify two important facts here before I proceed: First, I'm in no way a programming guru; I know some stuff but no advanced programming. Second, there ARE students who seem to have programming "programmed" naturally in their genes. I asked myself many times what gives me the right to discuss a topic I'm not a hundred percent experienced with, and the answer came to me this year; there's a serious problem with the way programming is taught, when it's taught, and why it's taught.
Second-year students are supposed to have studied at least one basic programming course in their sophomore year, and in the specific case of my faculty they're taught in labs by two of the most gifted TAs in programming whom I hold a great respect for: Waleed and M. Handousa. And I always blamed the students for not listening in labs. I figured out the problem isn't with the TAs ways nor in the students; the problem is, programming is a difficult subject to be taught and learned, and a huge effort should be paid to developing a methodical way of teaching it so that basic programming skills can be instilled in students to enable them to go the distance on their own.
The way programming is taught
In the first year, students are taught the basics of programming; that is, data types, variables, loops, flow control, and functions. I don't think amateur students know what any of these things is good for! They don't see the big picture: programming is a way to tell the computer how to solve problems, and it resembles our normal way of thinking when attempting to solve our problems. What adds "spice" to programming is that computer makes us capable of adding little "tricks" to solve problems that we don't usually use in real life. But it has the drawback of sticking to the way computers are built. So students don't see that programming is slightly different from ordinary problem-solving techniques in that it can do some things the mind can't do and it can't do some things the mind can do. Students should be able to see that all the basics of programming are tools to the original goal: solving a problem, and they should first be able to think systematically about how to solve the problem at hand and then proceed to check how programming is to be done, and what it will be able to do for them to enhance their way and what parts of the solution it will not be able to do "as they do it in their minds." the brilliant programmer then will figure ways to use whatever "is possible" within the programming language to achieve whatever "that can't be done following the normal human brain thinking."
Programming courses tend to teach students "how" to do stuff instead of "what" to do if a certain problem needs to be solved. I think an emphasis should be made on how the human brain solves a certain problem and then how to adapt the solution "manuscript" to fit the intricate programming concepts and techniques.
When programming is taught
The problem here is that programming is taught before the students have any idea of how to "think" about the solution to a problem, how to build flow charts, and how to understand algorithms. When a child goes to school for the first time and is taught how to make simple calculations, he doesn't see the big picture; the abstract mathematical principles that make computations what they are. That's exactly how students are treated when taught programming: Do it now and you'll understand later. Well, you can't tell a 17 or 18 years old student that! He or she is mature enough to understand why things are done a certain way. I should never write a recursive function call without explaining to the student how it's executed in memory. But to do that, he has to have a knowledge of memory and how to deal with it. That's not a problem to me to explain that; the problem is with so little time in the semester how am I supposed to do this and still have time to explain the different data structures and algorithms? Either more time should be dedicated to this matter or it should be dealt with in a separate course. The curricula is so keen on teaching a state-of-the-art programming language and no focus is given to what principles make understanding programming possible in the first place.
Why programming is taught
I'd like to make a distinction here; there is the problem that needs to be solved, and there are problems related to programming the solution to the problem. Software engineers should be able to solve the first; meaning they should be able to analyze the problem, define how it will be solved, identify the user requirements of the software, identify the software components, and make a detailed description of what to do programmatically, while computer programmers should be able to solve the second; meaning that once they have the "manuscript" of the solution, they should be able to address any problems that arise during programming, what classes are needed, code optimization, testing, …etc. There's a debate among many of the TAs I know about whether or not the first should do the job of the second, but I think there is an agreement -forced by the market- that the second "must" be able to do the job of the first. That's where the real problem is; how is the student supposed to know how to program if he doesn't realize programming is a tool to solve a problem and he must first figure out how to solve the problem?
An interesting study conducted by Dr. Saeed Dehnadi and Prof. Richard Bornat from the school of computing, Middlesex University; which was titled "A cognitive study of early learning of programming", argues that there are two distinct groups of students when it comes to the ability to learn programming skills: those who can, and those who cannot. The focus of the solution to this problem has been always on the teaching side: changing the language, using an IDE…etc. this will evidently lead to no progress, since the problem (from their perspective) lies in the learning capability, how to measure it, and I can add how to enhance it. I made a quick review of some programming course pages on the web (check below) and found an interesting point: these courses DO NOT teach a specific programming language, they just pave the way to that by focusing on principles and concepts of programming. The problem with our way of teaching is that we think it's cool to hit it off and jump start the students into the completely different and mystic world of coding, thinking that their excitement about it is a good thing. They end up being so confused about what it is exactly that they're supposed to do with all these for loops and if-else conditions. When I ask the students in my sections whether they can trace what a code does, they seem perplexed and unwilling to even try; to them, those who write the algorithm are super humans.
I conclude with excerpts from two of the sites I checked…
"
List and Explain the five steps in the Programming Process:
There is a basic flow for computers as well as in programming. All programming commands can be mapped to this basic flow: BASIC FLOW OF COMPUTERS = INPUT, PROCESS, OUTPUT.
To be effective in anything, you really need a Process. The programming process can and should be used for any programming language that you use. The five steps in the programming process are:
From http://avconline.avc.edu/rhoffman/Programming.html
"
Introduction to Programming
Objectives
By the end of this reading you should know the following:
Expain in simple terms what computer programming is.
Understand why there are programming languages.
Understand the terms high-level language and low-level language.
Understand the difference between compiled and interpreted programming languages.
"
From http://revolution.byu.edu/programmingconcepts/programmingIntro.php
I'll first address the first part of the reason because it was what triggered the entry in the first place. The problem that made me wonder so many times and ask the question about programming was the fact that in the second year, I'm asked to teach the students a very hot topic (data structures) while they're oblivious to the fundamentals of programming; and I mean basic programming (either that or I'm totally getting the wrong signs from their confused looks and questions.) Students cannot understand what functions are, how they're called, what's the difference between variables and objects, or between data types and reference types, how to define a class, what can be a class, how to debug, and most of all how to read and correct programming errors (either syntax or logic ones.)
Let me clarify two important facts here before I proceed: First, I'm in no way a programming guru; I know some stuff but no advanced programming. Second, there ARE students who seem to have programming "programmed" naturally in their genes. I asked myself many times what gives me the right to discuss a topic I'm not a hundred percent experienced with, and the answer came to me this year; there's a serious problem with the way programming is taught, when it's taught, and why it's taught.
Second-year students are supposed to have studied at least one basic programming course in their sophomore year, and in the specific case of my faculty they're taught in labs by two of the most gifted TAs in programming whom I hold a great respect for: Waleed and M. Handousa. And I always blamed the students for not listening in labs. I figured out the problem isn't with the TAs ways nor in the students; the problem is, programming is a difficult subject to be taught and learned, and a huge effort should be paid to developing a methodical way of teaching it so that basic programming skills can be instilled in students to enable them to go the distance on their own.
The way programming is taught
In the first year, students are taught the basics of programming; that is, data types, variables, loops, flow control, and functions. I don't think amateur students know what any of these things is good for! They don't see the big picture: programming is a way to tell the computer how to solve problems, and it resembles our normal way of thinking when attempting to solve our problems. What adds "spice" to programming is that computer makes us capable of adding little "tricks" to solve problems that we don't usually use in real life. But it has the drawback of sticking to the way computers are built. So students don't see that programming is slightly different from ordinary problem-solving techniques in that it can do some things the mind can't do and it can't do some things the mind can do. Students should be able to see that all the basics of programming are tools to the original goal: solving a problem, and they should first be able to think systematically about how to solve the problem at hand and then proceed to check how programming is to be done, and what it will be able to do for them to enhance their way and what parts of the solution it will not be able to do "as they do it in their minds." the brilliant programmer then will figure ways to use whatever "is possible" within the programming language to achieve whatever "that can't be done following the normal human brain thinking."
Programming courses tend to teach students "how" to do stuff instead of "what" to do if a certain problem needs to be solved. I think an emphasis should be made on how the human brain solves a certain problem and then how to adapt the solution "manuscript" to fit the intricate programming concepts and techniques.
When programming is taught
The problem here is that programming is taught before the students have any idea of how to "think" about the solution to a problem, how to build flow charts, and how to understand algorithms. When a child goes to school for the first time and is taught how to make simple calculations, he doesn't see the big picture; the abstract mathematical principles that make computations what they are. That's exactly how students are treated when taught programming: Do it now and you'll understand later. Well, you can't tell a 17 or 18 years old student that! He or she is mature enough to understand why things are done a certain way. I should never write a recursive function call without explaining to the student how it's executed in memory. But to do that, he has to have a knowledge of memory and how to deal with it. That's not a problem to me to explain that; the problem is with so little time in the semester how am I supposed to do this and still have time to explain the different data structures and algorithms? Either more time should be dedicated to this matter or it should be dealt with in a separate course. The curricula is so keen on teaching a state-of-the-art programming language and no focus is given to what principles make understanding programming possible in the first place.
Why programming is taught
I'd like to make a distinction here; there is the problem that needs to be solved, and there are problems related to programming the solution to the problem. Software engineers should be able to solve the first; meaning they should be able to analyze the problem, define how it will be solved, identify the user requirements of the software, identify the software components, and make a detailed description of what to do programmatically, while computer programmers should be able to solve the second; meaning that once they have the "manuscript" of the solution, they should be able to address any problems that arise during programming, what classes are needed, code optimization, testing, …etc. There's a debate among many of the TAs I know about whether or not the first should do the job of the second, but I think there is an agreement -forced by the market- that the second "must" be able to do the job of the first. That's where the real problem is; how is the student supposed to know how to program if he doesn't realize programming is a tool to solve a problem and he must first figure out how to solve the problem?
An interesting study conducted by Dr. Saeed Dehnadi and Prof. Richard Bornat from the school of computing, Middlesex University; which was titled "A cognitive study of early learning of programming", argues that there are two distinct groups of students when it comes to the ability to learn programming skills: those who can, and those who cannot. The focus of the solution to this problem has been always on the teaching side: changing the language, using an IDE…etc. this will evidently lead to no progress, since the problem (from their perspective) lies in the learning capability, how to measure it, and I can add how to enhance it. I made a quick review of some programming course pages on the web (check below) and found an interesting point: these courses DO NOT teach a specific programming language, they just pave the way to that by focusing on principles and concepts of programming. The problem with our way of teaching is that we think it's cool to hit it off and jump start the students into the completely different and mystic world of coding, thinking that their excitement about it is a good thing. They end up being so confused about what it is exactly that they're supposed to do with all these for loops and if-else conditions. When I ask the students in my sections whether they can trace what a code does, they seem perplexed and unwilling to even try; to them, those who write the algorithm are super humans.
I conclude with excerpts from two of the sites I checked…
"
List and Explain the five steps in the Programming Process:
There is a basic flow for computers as well as in programming. All programming commands can be mapped to this basic flow: BASIC FLOW OF COMPUTERS = INPUT, PROCESS, OUTPUT.
To be effective in anything, you really need a Process. The programming process can and should be used for any programming language that you use. The five steps in the programming process are:
- Define the Problem – discuss problem with the users of a system and the systems analyst to determine the necessary input, processing, and output
- Design the Solution – design an algorithm and represent the logic using a Flowcharts or Pseudocode
- Write the Program – express the solution in a programming language
- Test and Debug the Program. Insure that the program works as planned (Use an Interpreter or Compiler
- Document Throughout – provide material that supports the design, development, and testing of the program.
From http://avconline.avc.edu/rhoffman/Programming.html
"
Introduction to Programming
Objectives
By the end of this reading you should know the following:
Expain in simple terms what computer programming is.
Understand why there are programming languages.
Understand the terms high-level language and low-level language.
Understand the difference between compiled and interpreted programming languages.
"
From http://revolution.byu.edu/programmingconcepts/programmingIntro.php
Read This
This article - in my humble opinion - is hilariously funny and honest..
http://www.ahram.org.eg/Index.asp?CurFN=educ1.htm&DID=9416
http://www.ahram.org.eg/Index.asp?CurFN=educ1.htm&DID=9416
Friday, November 16, 2007
Guide to Establishing Good Correspondence With International Professors and Institutes
In this second installment, I'll talk about what a researcher should do and in what order to establish a correspondence with an international professor or institute. The process is not greatly different if you're pursuing a Master or a PhD degree, when there are differences, I'll try to highlight them.
First of all, this is an extensive process that can give you a smash hit from the start or can go on and on for some time, so the key to complete it successfully and reach the goal is to be patient, dedicated, and appreciative (I'll get to the appreciative part later). The following steps pretty much summarize what's to be done:
First of all, this is an extensive process that can give you a smash hit from the start or can go on and on for some time, so the key to complete it successfully and reach the goal is to be patient, dedicated, and appreciative (I'll get to the appreciative part later). The following steps pretty much summarize what's to be done:
1. Identify the countries in which your research is strongly established (for example: East Asian countries are strong in hardware-oriented research, robotics, AI, …, while European Countries have a strong base for applicable research, business-oriented research, ...)
2. In each country you choose, identify the list of top 100 universities there. Note that there are numerous terminologies used there that are different in meaning. For example: a university is either composed of faculties (just like us) or schools (a school being an analogy for faculty), or departments (a department being an analogy for faculty). Faculties and schools of a university are not necessarily in a single building, rather they're distributed all over a campus that's much wider that what we know here. A faculty or a school can be composed of many departments, possibly located in a single building. A university also may have research centers which can be either independent (resembling a faculty) or a part of a certain department or faculty.
3. Now that you identified the list of universities, check in each one whether they have a faculty, school, department, or center that are related to the field of study that you plan to pursue. Keep an orderly journal on your computer for each university so that you won't get confused, I personally use Microsoft Office OneNote (brilliant!).
4. In each faculty/school/department, you'll usually find the following information:
(i) General info about the faculty/school/department
(ii) What undergraduate students study
(iii) What postgraduate students study
(iv) Research activities and areas
(v) Scientific degrees given
(vi) People (Faculty --> meaning professors, doctors, lecturers)
(vii) Current events and activities
In the previous list, only (i, iii, iv, v, vi) are of importance to you. You want to know about the faculty/school/department, what degrees they give (so you know if you can go there or not), what are their research areas (so you'd know whether they can support your proposed research or not) and what postgraduate students study, because that's what you are. You also want to know the names and contacts of faculty members and what their research interests are so you can later choose who you'd want to contact.
5. The next thing to identify is whether the faculty/school/department provides the degree you're pursuing by research or by courses. Usually, a Master degree is provided by courses, while a PhD degree will differ according to the country of choice. Let's elaborate further:
- A Master degree by courses means that the faculty/school/department offers a collection of postgraduate courses that you need to choose from until you complete a certain amount of credit defined by the requirements (will discuss requirements later), these courses usually are taken over a year if you're a full-time student. After you complete the courses, you need to choose a research subject and write a research proposal to be presented to the faculty/school/department. If they agree to your proposal, they assign a supervisor to you and you start working for the amount of a year-two years max, by the end of which you need to present a dissertation (thesis) and defend your work orally in front of a referees committee. Don't make the mistake of thinking the preparation of a research proposal is a piece of cake; it has to be detailed yet not long, and you need to device your research methodology carefully. It can be rejected if it does not meet the standards of the faculty/school/department.
- A PhD degree can be obtained either by research or by courses. In fact, there's not a great difference between the two. A PhD by research involves working with the supervisor(s) during the research phases proposed by you, with the possibility of taking some courses in the first six months of your stay at the university. A PhD by courses involves taking an extensive set of course for the duration of a year to two years (depending on the number of courses you should take to fulfill the credit required) then proceeding to work on a research dissertation; just like the Master degree. The difference here is in the amount of course credit required, which depends on whatever previous courses you took back home and whether you already hold a Master degree (Yes people, you don't need to hold a Master degree to take a PhD degree, though you'll need to take additional courses). Some faculties/schools/departments will acknowledge your Master degree while others will not. Anyway, whether you choose a PhD by research or by courses involves preparing a PhD dissertation (thesis) that you will defend orally in front of a committee. Not all faculties/schools/departments offer both options, in USA and Canada and some universities in Japan and Hong Kong, you can only take a PhD by courses. IN the rest of the world, you have a choice or you work by research. So you need to read carefully what the type of PhD offer is. As to the matter of which is better, it really depends on you:
- A PhD by courses has the following advantages: the courses provide a variety in study and practical involvement with teams of other researchers, and some people are more comfortable with course work, whose objectives are clearly defined. Also, courses give you a chance to see how different professors work and think and makes it possible for you to make an informed decision about who's the professor you want to work with. The courses will often involve seminars and projects that are considered preludes to the actual PhD work, giving you more ideas about the "hot" points in current research. However, course work involves a lot of studying, and you have to maintain high grades in all course for all the duration it takes to finish course work and you have to work on many projects for different courses. So unless you're fully prepared to meet the stress with equal vigor and hard work, you'll take forever to finish.
- A PhD by research resembles what we're doing here in Egypt; you make a proposal, then you're free to conduct your research at your own pace. This has the advantage of being a little less stressful and does not involve the hectic course schedule and project deadlines. However, since you work more independently, you risk the possibility of falling behind your timeline. So you must not give yourself much slack and you need to try and stick to your own schedule. Foreign supervisors are often polite; they will not chase after you with a stick to finish because they realize it's your own work!
6. (Requirements part!) The next important thing to check is the admission requirements for the degree you're pursuing. Usually you'll find that in a section or link for "prospective students ->postgraduate". Read the basic information provided and do not forget to check the requirements from international students, which usually involve the language scores required and whether recommendation is needed by local professors. DON'T forget to check the accommodations provided (in-campus housing, near campus, or private; the best option is in-campus if available). Also, check for the deadlines for admission, usually deadlines for international students are earlier that the official deadlines (for matters related to limited places and required visas, ...)
7. Make a checklist of all the required paperwork and check which is already available to you and which needs to be obtained (TOEFL, GRE, Recommendation letters,...)
8. Begin to make a list of all the professors/doctors/lecturers in the faculty/school/department you're planning to join and who specialize in the subject area of your interest. Then proceed to write e-mails to them explaining your wish to join the faculty/school/department and your wish to have them as supervisors. That's only preferable if you're conducting a degree by research. There are a number of rules for writing these mails:
- Address the professor as: Dear Professor …….. or Dear Dr. …….. According to his/her title
- The first thing in the body of the message is to state your name and affiliation: I'm ….., a teaching assistant in ……, university of …..
- Then proceed to state that you're planning to apply for the degree you want and that your research interests are so and so, and that you'll be honored if he/she agrees to supervise your work
- State any research publications, test scores that you ALREADY have. They're great assets in you advantage.
- Say thank you for the time spent reading the mail; he could discard the mail and don't bother at all, it's gracious of him/her to read your mail and take the time to reply (that's the appreciative part!).
- Write a detailed signature stating your name, affiliations, and contact info.
If the professor replies with a no, you have to reply with a thank you anyway for your time, otherwise, he/she will usually ask for your plan of work, so be ready with it! Also be ready with any information they need about your place of work or future plans (when do you plan to join the research,...) - Make the mail as short as possible with separate paragraphs for separate parts of what you want to say. Be concise, don't tell a life story!
- DO NOT write to more than ne professor in a single department or school. Write to as many as you like, but not to two people who work together. Wait a week until the first replies, if he/she doesn't, then safely proceed to his other colleagues. Notice that they have a weekend on Saturday and Sunday so don't send Friday expecting a reply the day after. Also notice the time zone differences.
- Wait, be patient, and watch for admission deadlines and send your papers before them, the earlier you send your papers, the earlier they will process them, and the earlier you're granted admission and accommodation.
I hope this article sheds some light on this subject that's usually left to the imagination of the researcher!
Just a Thought
Greatness has many interpretations in people's minds. In my mind, a great person is a someone who's main focus in life is to conquer the impossible and break the barriers.
In the world of a great man, there's no place for a great woman, because when a great woman is found, she needs to be cherished all the time, and this holds no prospect of challenge to a great man. That's why a great man can only have one (or both) of two types of women in his life: a quiet woman who's a mother most of the time, and a series of flings. That's because a great man wants and gives love in small, distant doses. A great man doesn't have the time to worship a woman all the time, but a great woman needs to be worshiped most of the time.
A great man has a great pride, and he will never compromise that pride. That's why he's so stubborn, because his opinion is not just a opinion; it's an expression of his pride.
In the world of a great woman, there's a small place for a great man, provided he does not shake her sense of greatness and does not invade her space with his own grandiose self. A great woman wants and gives love most of the time, and she can cave for small things to please that man, but there are things that are off limits. She demands the great man to compromise in the amount of attention he's willing to give. If the great man is really moved by that woman, he may be ready to make the compromise, but that might not last for long. Because a great man lives for the challenge, the great woman has to be a constant challenge. So the great woman has two things to do for that man; show him that she sincerely appreciates the extra amount of care he's giving her, and pose a continuous out of reach goal to him.
Why is a great woman asked to go the extra mile for a great man while he's just asked to give a little more love that he normally gives? Because a great woman can make the compromise without feeling that her pride is injured. Because her generosity is an integral part of her greatness. While selfishness is an integral part of the man's greatness. Not the selfishness that means self-absorption in his needs without a care for the world, but rather the selfishness that makes him strongly believe in himself and his capacities.
In the world of a great man, there's no place for a great woman, because when a great woman is found, she needs to be cherished all the time, and this holds no prospect of challenge to a great man. That's why a great man can only have one (or both) of two types of women in his life: a quiet woman who's a mother most of the time, and a series of flings. That's because a great man wants and gives love in small, distant doses. A great man doesn't have the time to worship a woman all the time, but a great woman needs to be worshiped most of the time.
A great man has a great pride, and he will never compromise that pride. That's why he's so stubborn, because his opinion is not just a opinion; it's an expression of his pride.
In the world of a great woman, there's a small place for a great man, provided he does not shake her sense of greatness and does not invade her space with his own grandiose self. A great woman wants and gives love most of the time, and she can cave for small things to please that man, but there are things that are off limits. She demands the great man to compromise in the amount of attention he's willing to give. If the great man is really moved by that woman, he may be ready to make the compromise, but that might not last for long. Because a great man lives for the challenge, the great woman has to be a constant challenge. So the great woman has two things to do for that man; show him that she sincerely appreciates the extra amount of care he's giving her, and pose a continuous out of reach goal to him.
Why is a great woman asked to go the extra mile for a great man while he's just asked to give a little more love that he normally gives? Because a great woman can make the compromise without feeling that her pride is injured. Because her generosity is an integral part of her greatness. While selfishness is an integral part of the man's greatness. Not the selfishness that means self-absorption in his needs without a care for the world, but rather the selfishness that makes him strongly believe in himself and his capacities.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Lessons learned from the Master degree
Now that I have a Master degree and on the track to get a Ph.D., and being a researcher in a developing country, I think I can make some notes about what to know and what to do to obtain a Master degree. Also, I think it's about time someone begins to explain all about the process of obtaining a scholarship, either locally or internationally funded.
Well, let me talk first about the lessons I've learned during the phase of the Master degree. In doing so, I'll try to stress upon some points that are different between computer science research and research in other branches.
There are three extremely important things that a Master degree seeker need to make choices about:
- Pick a subject area,
- Pick a supervisor,
- Pick a research methodology.
Picking a Subject Area:
I've seen many colleague researchers; including me, who did this the wrong way. The wrong way being to choose a general area of research then pick a sometimes random title then applying for the Master degree. After that comes the precise definition of what the research will propose as a contribution to science. Most of this happens because of the scarcity of computer science professors that are available to supervise researchers. This, in turn leads to one of four situations:
- Professor IS knowledgeable in chosen area AND Researcher CAN work mostly on his own: Professor provides only necessary guidance, smooth collaboration or total clash
- Professor IS NOT knowledgeable in chosen area AND Researcher CAN work mostly on his own: Researcher is faced with the possibility that his work is not scientifically validated by a specialist
- Professor IS knowledgeable in chosen area AND Researcher NEEDS major support from supervisor: Normal situation, professor gives correct guidance to the researcher and directs the whole process, researcher learns two things: new science and the proper way to guide researchers in the future
- Professor IS NOT knowledgeable in chosen area AND Researcher NEEDS major support from supervisor: Complete Darkness!!!
I think the proper procedure of choosing a subject area should be:
- Identify a general subject area of interest to the researcher
- Discussing with the supervisor what possible "hot" points (usually described as problems) in that research area that are currently the focus of world researchers, then choosing a point that is not likely to get "cold" in the near future (within 3 years)
- Conducting a preliminary review of the current research in that point to see what other researchers are doing to solve the problems in that point and whether their approaches are classified or need to be classified.
- Determining, based on either the professor or the researcher knowledge, what other venues of mechanisms or techniques that were not explored yet to deal with that point.
- Choosing a technique or mechanism that the researcher is willing to explore then assessing the initial validity of applying it to the problem at hand.
- Writing a research proposal that highlights:
- The point and its importance
- The background review conducted
- The proposed approach to deal with the problem in that point, and a definition of what aspects of the problem will be addressed.
- The proposed outline of activities that the researcher will perform to reach from a preliminary understanding to a possible solution, usually this is known as the research agenda or timetable.
Picking a Supervisor:
Picking a supervisor is pretty much like picking a friend, both of you have to be on the same page in the crucial principles, and otherwise you should be able to tolerate each other's "minor" differences. Some of the researchers I've seen are stubborn, especially when the case is that the researcher "assumes" he's knowledgeable in the chosen subject while the supervisor is not. Stubbornness here means that the researcher thinks he/she is entitled to "lead" the research and ignore whatever professional advice the supervisor can provide. The supervisor is not a supervisor just because he's knowledgeable in a subject area, he's also responsible for managing the quality and the pace of the conducted research. So even if he can't provide much help scientifically, he still is the senior and major partner in this Master project. He's been around; maybe even before the researcher was born. He has priceless experience regarding what professors like to read and how they evaluate scientific material.
There is no doubt that it's up to the supervisor to make things "heaven" or "hell" for the researcher, that's why the researcher should take the time to think about who he/she wants to work with and how well his/her social skills can salvage any thing that might go wrong in the relationship.
However, the common case is that the researcher does not have much say in who should be the supervisor. Sometimes it's a choice made by the department, sometimes there's no choice whatsoever because of the previously pointed scarcity of professors. If that's the case then obviously you can get stuck with a supervisor that you might not like. The important question to ask yourself here is: Do I not like the chosen supervisor for personal reasons or for professional reasons? If it's the former, then I can't highlight this fact enough: Work shouldn't be a place where "likes" and "dislikes" control the dynamics of relationships among coworkers. As the English and Americans say: Business is Business!
If the later is true; which means you have objections to the supervisor's professional ability, then it's one of two thing: maybe you're prejudiced; you hear that he's not professionally adequate so you're assuming it's true. The other thing is you're right, and in that case there is a possibility that you can still salvage something out of the situation. You'll have to focus on benefiting from his other strengths and compensate for his supposed lack of knowledge with your own determination to do well. You can benefit from the help of other professors and/or coworkers. Participate in seminars and conferences and if attendants do not critique your work ask them afterwards what they think of your work. Join Internet groups and forums that are engaged in your research area and ask for help or guidance, and chances are there are professors who participate in these groups and forums who are willing to provide help.
Having identified the grounds you're standing on, now it's time to proceed to the actual work. Set up meeting appointments with you supervisor that can be kept, and make him always involved in what you think and what you do. Maintain a good friendship with him and have an open mind that listens with appreciation, not with rejection. If the supervisor asks for a certain task to be done, a certain techniques to be used, don't just say no because you don't want to do the task or use the technique, analyze what he's proposing and check its feasibility. If "in you humble opinion" you think the request is not doable, then argue nicely and make a logical point. Discuss the issue with him like this: "I can see how good and reasonable your suggestion is, but there are reasons why it may not be the best course of action to do so and so." Do not ever use the term "it cannot be used" because of two reasons: first, this sentence is like shutting the door in his face (not polite and not constructive to the relationship), and second, because there is a possibility that his suggestion IS viable. The key to not losing the good balance in the relationship is to always be open to discussion and debate.
Picking a Research Methodology:
Research methodology is the set of actions that a researcher takes in order to solve the problem he/she is addressing, and the validation tests that will be performed in order to know the suggested solution/mechanism/technique is correct and solves the problem. Those tests and the way you are supposed to handle them to give rigor to your research is what is understood under methods.
There are two main research methodologies:
- Qualitative (interviews, questionnaires)
- Quantitative (statistics, modeling, ...)
For some projects qualitative methods are more appropriate, for some quantitative, while for most a mixture of the two is adequate. You should pick your methods and justify your choice. Research methodology, however, is too a complicated thing to be explained here. In computer science, the quantitative method are more prevalent and thus I can elaborate on it further. In a quantitative method, you should specify the following:
- Explain clearly and comprehensively what will be done, in what order and how
- Identify independent, dependent and confounding variables:
- Independent variables are variables that you suggest based on your solution/mechanism/technique. Their different values affect your dependent variables in a consistent way (increase, decrease) or do not affect your dependent variables (stability)
- Dependent variables are the variables that measure the performance of your solution/mechanism/technique. Your aim is to measure how they are affected by your proposed independent variables and identify the nature of effect (positive, negative, none)
- Confounding variables are variables whose behavior cannot be determined by changes in the independent variables (they increase for specific values and decrease for other values)
- Describe study setting (naturalistic or contrived)
- Naturalistic study setting refers to applying your research solution/mechanism/technique to a real life situation, most probably in the industry
- Contrived study setting refers to your construction of a prototype, simulation, or limited pilot of your proposed solution/mechanism/technique and measuring its performance within a limited and controlled environment
- Describe sample (type, how it is selected, criteria for inclusions and exclusions of members of the sample)
Here's where I get confused a little bit about how to carry this part, in some applications, choosing a sample is very natural (studying the effects of a medication on the improvement of health), but in computer science, I don't know exactly what's the scope of a sample in certain applications. Suppose one of my colleagues wants to study the improvement a new algorithm has on the performance of query execution in distributed database systems. What is the sample space that she should deal with? - Specify time horizon
- Snapshot: measuring performance in a single point in time
- Multiple points in time: measuring performance after carrying out the solution/mechanism/technique (after). Measuring performance before carrying out the solution/mechanism/technique, then applying the solution/mechanism/technique and measuring performance after that, then comparing the two performance measurements(before/after). Measuring performance before carrying out the solution/mechanism/technique, then applying the solution/mechanism/technique and measuring performance after that, restoring the environment to the status previous to the application of the solution/mechanism/technique and measuring the performance, then evaluating the changes in performance measurements (before/after/before).
- Identify equipment (including techniques, measures, measurement scales, materials)
- Describe experiments from most to least important
- Provide the measures, equations, descriptions of techniques or prior knowledge that relate to data production and analysis
- Discuss whether your approach and its results can be generalizable, and if not, identify what modifications that are to be done to make it applicable to situations or systems other than the one you chose for application (whether natural or contrived), and changes of performance are to be expected then.
Well, that concludes just about most of what I wanted to talk about in that subject, I hope it can be of use, and next time I'll talk about the process of obtaining a scholarship, either locally or internationally funded.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Abyss
When you feel estranged from your true self, and you find yourself trying very hard to put on the extra happy façade for the world to see so they can't tell how hopeless you are, you know you're on the verge of hitting bottom. When try and dig deep for a reason to live, for a reason to go for, and for the life of you can't reach that, you know you're on the very thin soon-to-collapse tip of an abyss.
How did you get here? You were always pessimistic, but deep inside you had that glimpse of light that promised to come shining and overwhelming your soul. Is it a far distance for the light? You think no, because you can't seem to find it anymore, not even a dim dot of it. You're drowned in your own darkness, and you don't know where is where. You believed that no matter how dark you are inside, as long as you don't hurt people there is a chance for you in the world. But you don't buy that anymore, because you see people around you who did nothing but hurt, and they seem to do just fine. So what is it in you that expels happiness? What is it in you that doesn't see but black in everything?
Are you afraid to hope or are fed up with endless hoping? Is hope the light and you turned it off because you felt bound by it? You have to feel hope or you're not normal, so it became an obligation instead of a life savior?
Your screams are chocked inside, your cries are muted by the noise around you, you want to run away, and just go on running until you find a blank world with no memory and no beauty. In that blank world you want to see no color, you want to hear nothing, and you want to hope no more. You just want to forget, every little thing you remember. But you're afraid to go there, because you're not even sure you want that.
How did you get here? You were always pessimistic, but deep inside you had that glimpse of light that promised to come shining and overwhelming your soul. Is it a far distance for the light? You think no, because you can't seem to find it anymore, not even a dim dot of it. You're drowned in your own darkness, and you don't know where is where. You believed that no matter how dark you are inside, as long as you don't hurt people there is a chance for you in the world. But you don't buy that anymore, because you see people around you who did nothing but hurt, and they seem to do just fine. So what is it in you that expels happiness? What is it in you that doesn't see but black in everything?
Are you afraid to hope or are fed up with endless hoping? Is hope the light and you turned it off because you felt bound by it? You have to feel hope or you're not normal, so it became an obligation instead of a life savior?
Your screams are chocked inside, your cries are muted by the noise around you, you want to run away, and just go on running until you find a blank world with no memory and no beauty. In that blank world you want to see no color, you want to hear nothing, and you want to hope no more. You just want to forget, every little thing you remember. But you're afraid to go there, because you're not even sure you want that.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
اليأس من الأمل
كيف انتهى بها الأمر الى هذه الوهدة السحيقة من الأمل الكئيب اليائس؟ لقد سألت نفسها هذا السؤال مرات عديدة عالمة ما هي الاجابة. هي تعلم أنها حمقاء، و في نفس الوقت هي ليست غبية لتنكر ادراكها الكلي لما ورطت نفسها فيه و لأخطاء بالجملة ارتكبتها كي لا تفقد الوهم الذي ما زالت تعتبره جميلا، بل تعتبره أفضل السيناريوهات الممكنة في وضعها الحالي
لقد حاولت مرارا أن تحلل ما مرت به كتابة عسى أن تضع يدها على الدافع الحقيقي الذي جعلها تفعل كل ما فعلت، "لقد قرأت في علم النفس و أعلم تماما كيف أحلل المشكلات و دوافعها اللاشعورية الكامنة في أحداث الماضي." الا أن الكلمات أبت أن تطاوعها، و لم تسعفها قراءاتها في علاج نفسها المكسورة المعقدة. لقد اعتبرت ما فعلت ضربا من الجنون المؤقت، و لكن آثاره دمرتها و تركتها مسحوقة الروح لا تعرف الى أين أو الى من تتوجه. انها تعتقد تماما في استحقاقها لكل النتائج المترتبة على ما فعلت، لا بل هي تعتقد تماما أن الأسوأ لم يأت بعد، و لكن المضحك في الأمر أن ركنا صغيرا جدا في نفسها ما زال يأمل أنه من الممكن أن يحدث لها الأفضل، فقط لأنها تشعر بالذنب يحرقها مثل النار. أليست النار مطهرا و منقيا للمعادن؟ ألم تعتبر نفسها دوما صلبة كالحديد؟ اذا لم تكره نفسها الى الحد الذي جعلها تمنع نفسها من الأمل؟ "لا، أنت لا تستحقين حتى الأمل، لقد أقدمت على ما فعلت بملء ارادتك، و كنت عالمة بعواقبه، فلا تدعي البراءة و الانكسار. لقد كسرت نفسك بنفسك، و صادرت حقك في الأمل بيديك. لقد بنيت بداخلك عالما غير موجود و أرسيته على دعائم الوهم الهشة، و ظللت توسعين في ما بنيت و أنت تعلمين تمام العلم أن ما بنيت غير قانوني و غير صحيح. بل انك تماديت فتصرين على ترك الوضع قائما بلا تصحيح لأنك جبانة لا تريدين اتخاذ قرار سيتسبب في انهيار الدعائم الهشة التي تقوم عليها نفسك"
"ألست قاسية يانفسي قليلا؟ ألا يحق لك أن تخطئي و تأملي رغبة في شيء جميل و كامل لم تحظي به في حياتك كلها؟ أليس لك شركاء في الحزن و الاحساس بالحمق نتيجة ما فعلت؟ أليسوا أشد ندما و أكثر رغبة منك في هدم معبد الأمل الواهم الذي بنيته؟ كلا، انك لا تثقين بك، و لا بأي أحد، لقد صدقت الوهم و أنت تعلمين أنه وهم، تماما كمريض الفصام الذي يعيش في عالم آخر. انها أعلى درجات الحمق، أعلى درجات الحمق."
ثم ماذا بعد؟ لقد تركت نفسها تعبث بها مجريات الأمور كيفما اتفق، و لم تعد لديها الرغبة في فعل الشيء الوحيد الصحيح و العقلاني لتستعيد بعضا من احترامها لذاتها. و لكن هل حقا يمكنها أن تستعيد شيئا لا يسترد؟ ان الانسان يمنح أشياء كثيرة في حياته للآخرين، للظروف، للعمل، و لكن بعضا من أغلى الأشياء لا تسترد، تضيع الى الأبد و لا تسترد. براءة النفس و نقاء السريرة يضيعان وسط الظروف التي تجبر الانسان على أن يكون شريرا و قاسيا حتى يعيش و لا يأكله الآخرون، حتى لا تدوسه الأقدام. يضيعان عندما يبذلها الانسان مختارا لمن يحب مرة واحدة لا تتكرر، فيصبع استردادهما مستحيلا اذا غدر به. انها لا تستطيع استرداد أشياء كثيرة، كالزمن الذي كان يمكنها فيه أن تفعل الأشياء الصحيحة، و اليأس الذي مكنها لسنين طويلة أن تعيش في استغناء عن عطف و حنان الناس، نعم، ان أكثر ما ندمت على ضياعه هو اليأس من الأمل، لأنها عندما أملت صنعت في درعها الحصين الذي ظات تصنعه و تصقله طويلا، صنعت فيه فجوة من الضعف اتسعت حتى لتكاد أن تحطمها حية. لقد كانت حرة تنعم في يأسها، و كان اليأس يمنحها سلاما و أمنا من فقد العزيز و الغالي لأن لا أمل هناك في امتلاك العزيز و الغالي. كان سلام النفس يغمرها بالبرد و الوحشة، و لكن أيضا بالطمأنينة في أن لا تجرحها الأشياء التي تجرح. و الأن عليها اما أن تستسلم للأمل و تتحمل آلامه، أو أن تبتعد عنه و تسترد يأسها و سلامها
تستسلم للأمل و تتحمل آلامه أو تبتعد و تسترد اليأس من الأمل. انها مستسلمة، لأن اليأس لا يعود، أو على الأقل، هي لا تستطيع استرجاعه حتى الآن
"ألست قاسية يانفسي قليلا؟ ألا يحق لك أن تخطئي و تأملي رغبة في شيء جميل و كامل لم تحظي به في حياتك كلها؟ أليس لك شركاء في الحزن و الاحساس بالحمق نتيجة ما فعلت؟ أليسوا أشد ندما و أكثر رغبة منك في هدم معبد الأمل الواهم الذي بنيته؟ كلا، انك لا تثقين بك، و لا بأي أحد، لقد صدقت الوهم و أنت تعلمين أنه وهم، تماما كمريض الفصام الذي يعيش في عالم آخر. انها أعلى درجات الحمق، أعلى درجات الحمق."
ثم ماذا بعد؟ لقد تركت نفسها تعبث بها مجريات الأمور كيفما اتفق، و لم تعد لديها الرغبة في فعل الشيء الوحيد الصحيح و العقلاني لتستعيد بعضا من احترامها لذاتها. و لكن هل حقا يمكنها أن تستعيد شيئا لا يسترد؟ ان الانسان يمنح أشياء كثيرة في حياته للآخرين، للظروف، للعمل، و لكن بعضا من أغلى الأشياء لا تسترد، تضيع الى الأبد و لا تسترد. براءة النفس و نقاء السريرة يضيعان وسط الظروف التي تجبر الانسان على أن يكون شريرا و قاسيا حتى يعيش و لا يأكله الآخرون، حتى لا تدوسه الأقدام. يضيعان عندما يبذلها الانسان مختارا لمن يحب مرة واحدة لا تتكرر، فيصبع استردادهما مستحيلا اذا غدر به. انها لا تستطيع استرداد أشياء كثيرة، كالزمن الذي كان يمكنها فيه أن تفعل الأشياء الصحيحة، و اليأس الذي مكنها لسنين طويلة أن تعيش في استغناء عن عطف و حنان الناس، نعم، ان أكثر ما ندمت على ضياعه هو اليأس من الأمل، لأنها عندما أملت صنعت في درعها الحصين الذي ظات تصنعه و تصقله طويلا، صنعت فيه فجوة من الضعف اتسعت حتى لتكاد أن تحطمها حية. لقد كانت حرة تنعم في يأسها، و كان اليأس يمنحها سلاما و أمنا من فقد العزيز و الغالي لأن لا أمل هناك في امتلاك العزيز و الغالي. كان سلام النفس يغمرها بالبرد و الوحشة، و لكن أيضا بالطمأنينة في أن لا تجرحها الأشياء التي تجرح. و الأن عليها اما أن تستسلم للأمل و تتحمل آلامه، أو أن تبتعد عنه و تسترد يأسها و سلامها
تستسلم للأمل و تتحمل آلامه أو تبتعد و تسترد اليأس من الأمل. انها مستسلمة، لأن اليأس لا يعود، أو على الأقل، هي لا تستطيع استرجاعه حتى الآن
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The story of the only slap I got
I almost forgot this story but it came to my memory today as I was being "talked" by several parties, each believing they're right. Well, I was in the 9th grade (that's the third year in the secondary school) and I was having two terrible changes in my life; I was becoming a teenager with a lot of rebellion and challenge of authority, and I was being bullied by some girls in the school because of Egypt's support for Kuwait upon the Iraqi invasion. We had a female teacher that was the epitome of a "manly woman". She walked, talked, and commanded like tough military men. This woman; Medina; according to my late father, was once a student of his. Dad used to brag whenever her name came up that "I can go and slap her because she was my student" or in Egyptian language "تحبي آجي آخدهالك قلمين". I know I know, this is not the perfect example a father should give his child, but that was dad. Anyway, he said that a couple of times and I didn't care, until one day during the school day, one of the bullying girls harassed my sister and pulled her hair and dropped her to the floor, causing her to lose consciousness. This drove me over the edge and I began to fight with that girl, she spilled a can of juice at my "only" school uniform, I flipped and called her names. She said she'll tell Miss "Medina". I told her.....and I can see where this is going just like movie viewers know...I yelled "My father will come and slap your Medina".
Next day, during the school flag salute, Medina came and stood in front of my class, I knew what will happen, and I braced myself and hoped it wouldn't be in public. She called my name and said "Walk with me." I did, until we entered the headmaster's room, she threw whatever she held in her hand and turned, saying "where is your father to slap me now" and with the sentence completion, she slapped me, right on the cheek...
I shake every time I remember how these few moments felt. I knew back then that I was wrong, way out of line, but all I did was describe what the girl did. She said "you should've come to me and told me". With that she dismissed me, right when the classes were going to their classrooms. I didn't cry nor even utter a word, I held myself firm and my tears in check and walked among the crowds who were looking curiously at me. I held my head up high as if I just had a casual conversation. As the slap burned my cheek, all I could think of is "please God don't let there be finger marks on my cheek". I never actually knew whether there were marks of any kind. I went to class like nothing happened and never gave the girls the pleasure of seeing me shaking. I never told my parents what happened. I was afraid my father would really come to my school, then maybe she would slap him too!!
The morale of the story can be seen between the lines. I hope I learned something out of this story, "Never listen to your father when you don't know whether he can do what he says"
Next day, during the school flag salute, Medina came and stood in front of my class, I knew what will happen, and I braced myself and hoped it wouldn't be in public. She called my name and said "Walk with me." I did, until we entered the headmaster's room, she threw whatever she held in her hand and turned, saying "where is your father to slap me now" and with the sentence completion, she slapped me, right on the cheek...
I shake every time I remember how these few moments felt. I knew back then that I was wrong, way out of line, but all I did was describe what the girl did. She said "you should've come to me and told me". With that she dismissed me, right when the classes were going to their classrooms. I didn't cry nor even utter a word, I held myself firm and my tears in check and walked among the crowds who were looking curiously at me. I held my head up high as if I just had a casual conversation. As the slap burned my cheek, all I could think of is "please God don't let there be finger marks on my cheek". I never actually knew whether there were marks of any kind. I went to class like nothing happened and never gave the girls the pleasure of seeing me shaking. I never told my parents what happened. I was afraid my father would really come to my school, then maybe she would slap him too!!
The morale of the story can be seen between the lines. I hope I learned something out of this story, "Never listen to your father when you don't know whether he can do what he says"
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
The Bad Stuff
Is it good to realize the bad things in your character? If the answer to this question is yes, then the next question would be: is it enough? Or corrective actions need to be taken when this realization happens? If the answer is it's not enough to realize what bad things you have in your character then the next question to tackle is: what are the corrective actions? And do I have the will to execute them to enhance myself? And if I do have the will, do I have the inclination to "do"?
I've come to the conclusion that it's bad to acknowledge that you have seriously bad traits in character, because when you do, you're faced with the resolution that you have to deal with them so that you can be a better person. And this is not a pleasant resolution, because people who are not ideally good tend to "secretly" enjoy practicing their "not so good" behavior, and going against that would be very hard.
Does this mean I encourage staying as I am just because I enjoy practicing my bad traits? Of course not, the real problem is that some people are stronger than others, and some people can have more purpose than others, and some times pose much pressure on people than other times. For example, I'm a whiny person, I tend to complain a lot about a lot, I allowed this behavior to linger for a long time until it became annoying to me personally. So I stopped and told myself that I need to deal with this situation or I'll end up with no compassion from others. I made a conscious decision to stop practicing something I really enjoyed, this is not a bad thing. A bad thing for me, however, would be to stop being angry at some situations and people which really pisses me off, just because when I'm angry I do not watch my mouth. I realized this "bad thing" and attempted to take a corrective action which is to avoid angering situations and people and even when avoidance is not working I should try to tone down my reaction or not react altogether. Although this improved my attitude for a while, I can't help but letting some of the "steam" go out when I'm by myself because otherwise I'd explode of anger. Sometimes I think I should take anger management classes, but I do not break things or hit things, I just say a few bad words and it's over. Drivers are allowed this luxury when they're on the road, so why shouldn't I when I'm alone. The really good behavior would be to forgive and be easygoing, but I just can't do it.
Should I tackle the rest of the list of bad stuff as I handled these previous two? I don't know about that. Do you face the same dilemma?
I've come to the conclusion that it's bad to acknowledge that you have seriously bad traits in character, because when you do, you're faced with the resolution that you have to deal with them so that you can be a better person. And this is not a pleasant resolution, because people who are not ideally good tend to "secretly" enjoy practicing their "not so good" behavior, and going against that would be very hard.
Does this mean I encourage staying as I am just because I enjoy practicing my bad traits? Of course not, the real problem is that some people are stronger than others, and some people can have more purpose than others, and some times pose much pressure on people than other times. For example, I'm a whiny person, I tend to complain a lot about a lot, I allowed this behavior to linger for a long time until it became annoying to me personally. So I stopped and told myself that I need to deal with this situation or I'll end up with no compassion from others. I made a conscious decision to stop practicing something I really enjoyed, this is not a bad thing. A bad thing for me, however, would be to stop being angry at some situations and people which really pisses me off, just because when I'm angry I do not watch my mouth. I realized this "bad thing" and attempted to take a corrective action which is to avoid angering situations and people and even when avoidance is not working I should try to tone down my reaction or not react altogether. Although this improved my attitude for a while, I can't help but letting some of the "steam" go out when I'm by myself because otherwise I'd explode of anger. Sometimes I think I should take anger management classes, but I do not break things or hit things, I just say a few bad words and it's over. Drivers are allowed this luxury when they're on the road, so why shouldn't I when I'm alone. The really good behavior would be to forgive and be easygoing, but I just can't do it.
Should I tackle the rest of the list of bad stuff as I handled these previous two? I don't know about that. Do you face the same dilemma?
"Mining" my own business
It's very hard to dig under the surface of your feelings to uncover and understand deeper and possibly both more original and disturbing thoughts and emotions. That's basically what I was thinking about for the last couple of weeks, and I thought maybe if I begin writing it'll all come out into the open. It's all been about what I am truly, what are my traits that make me special in good and bad ways. I never thought of myself as "simpleminded" or purely evil, yet I know for sure that I'm superficial, greedy, and whiny. I trace these facts to my early childhood and know that some of them are the results of my upbringing. I never allowed myself to elaborate on such thinking because I did not want to face my own bad evaluation which should force me to work better on the bad stuff. I don't like it when I have to stop myself from doing something that I "like" just because it's bad or it doesn't fit the common definition of appropriate behavior. But it turns out I allowed myself too much slack that I don't know the good things in me anymore. Well, should I take the risk and begin my self-analysis? Should I take the time to fix the holes in my ship? Or should I just forget all that psychological crap and move on with my life like nothing is wrong?
The answer is probably yes, yes, and no. I hate to know that I have the strength to change, but I do, it's just that I don't want to, and in this I'm like old people who are pretty much settled in their ways and hate change. But I know better that to let my state degenerate to a person who's spiteful, hateful, and whiny, without something good to balance this out.
The answer is probably yes, yes, and no. I hate to know that I have the strength to change, but I do, it's just that I don't want to, and in this I'm like old people who are pretty much settled in their ways and hate change. But I know better that to let my state degenerate to a person who's spiteful, hateful, and whiny, without something good to balance this out.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Master Defense
So, it's been a couple of days since I "defended" my Master thesis. I'm gradually gaining back a measure of my equilibrium to believe that it did happen and that I won't have my Master questioned anymore (at least not formally). I couldn't believe how much nervous I was that day until I saw the video and realized I don't want to go through with it a second time. The pictures were nice because mostly they captured happy snapshots, not the "real-time" sweat and tattering. Altogether, I'm immensely happy it's over although I'd like to go back in time and fix all the mistakes I made. But I guess a part of the past's beauty is that it's not fixable and it stands there behind your back kicking you in the "posterior" every once in a while. Well, I did not come all this way through life without learning to live with my "blaming self" and shutting it whenever it gets loud enough to interrupt my peace of mind. And I have to enjoy the freedom - temporary as it is - of not having a homework to feel guilty about when neglected.
Speaking of "real-time", one of the referees commented that he didn't see where the real time detection is in my proposed framework, well, I didn't know how to respond to that. If he was asking about how my system works in real time then it was pretty obvious that data is captured and analyzed as soon as it is formatted. If he was talking about my experiments, well, they were real time but on a miniature level, since the data was not "real" but was replayed to look like it. Maybe I didn't make my work clear enough :(
Bottom line is I'm free to shake all this out of my system and move on to new frontiers, hopefully relax a little bit and regain my focus and purpose, and see what I can do to improve myself personally and professionally.
It's not the end of road as the song says, it's a turn in the road that's still ahead.
Speaking of "real-time", one of the referees commented that he didn't see where the real time detection is in my proposed framework, well, I didn't know how to respond to that. If he was asking about how my system works in real time then it was pretty obvious that data is captured and analyzed as soon as it is formatted. If he was talking about my experiments, well, they were real time but on a miniature level, since the data was not "real" but was replayed to look like it. Maybe I didn't make my work clear enough :(
Bottom line is I'm free to shake all this out of my system and move on to new frontiers, hopefully relax a little bit and regain my focus and purpose, and see what I can do to improve myself personally and professionally.
It's not the end of road as the song says, it's a turn in the road that's still ahead.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Solitude
"When from our better selves we have too long Been parted by the hurrying world, and droop, Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired, How gracious, how benign, is Solitude."
William Wordsworth, "The Prelude"
William Wordsworth, "The Prelude"
Defense
Today I learnt that my Master defense date is the 20th this month, and I wasn't sure what to feel. A part of me wanted to say "Woppa!!" and yet I couldn't completely feel thrilled. I hate to defend my statements; I suck at defense, mostly because I don't believe in a lot of the things I say and I'm only saying them out of necessity or out of experience (usually unpleasant!), and partly because I don't resort to reason and instead go all emotional about what I think. What makes this worse is that I don't really think that I'm entitled to have a say or a suggestion in the scientific arena, who am I to do it?! I look up to people like Newton and Einstein and say "Wow how the human mind can work in the most brilliant ways!!" I believe that a comprehensive guidance from a true scientist can make us "good and methodological thinkers," and because I feel that I don't have that then I should sit at home and learn from scratch how to think like a scientist; how to be cool, logical, and calculating instead of passionate and nervous.
This will go to trash of course because I'll go and "defend" my so-called Master work, hopefully I won't miss things up, and more hopefully, I'm just undermining my potential in advance as a precautionary action so I wouldn't be so upset if others thought my work isn't that good.
This will go to trash of course because I'll go and "defend" my so-called Master work, hopefully I won't miss things up, and more hopefully, I'm just undermining my potential in advance as a precautionary action so I wouldn't be so upset if others thought my work isn't that good.
Vertigo
I hate to stand on the verge of things or situations, when I'm dealing with them, I always want to have a central view, not look at what's outside it. I don't know if this means anything, but I love to be AT the center without "being the center", because the center is where you get to see all the action and act based on what happens in the core. Standing on the verge means two things to me: number one, I'll unconsciously look outward and not toward the inside, then instead of focusing on what really happens I'm watching out so as not to fall. Number two, it's besides the main point; why would I go and stand on the verge when there is a secure ground available? Why would I keep suffering from a situation when instead I can take action to resolve it?
Some people would say that standing on the verge is in fact a way to gain a new perspective and extend possibilities (well, at least that's what I'm saying sometimes!) and that standing on the verge is a sign of a daring personality. Well, I'm not daring and I'm sure not into enloying the beauty of uncertainty, but I find myself sometimes in a position of "I'm not sure what's gonna happen and I can't help but live it all the same," so I learn to either cope with the situation bravely or throw myself in a state of denial until the situation is resolved by a "magical power" that's often not mine.
Should any of this make sense at all? I don't know, but I hate edges and shaky situations, especially when I know I have no power to change them or get away from them.
Some people would say that standing on the verge is in fact a way to gain a new perspective and extend possibilities (well, at least that's what I'm saying sometimes!) and that standing on the verge is a sign of a daring personality. Well, I'm not daring and I'm sure not into enloying the beauty of uncertainty, but I find myself sometimes in a position of "I'm not sure what's gonna happen and I can't help but live it all the same," so I learn to either cope with the situation bravely or throw myself in a state of denial until the situation is resolved by a "magical power" that's often not mine.
Should any of this make sense at all? I don't know, but I hate edges and shaky situations, especially when I know I have no power to change them or get away from them.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Zzzzzzzz!
It's almost 2 in the morning, I can barely open my eyes, and I'm fully aware that i have to rise and shine tomorrow (or is it today?) at 7 am to head for Cairo and get some kind of certificate. I just finished taking two TOEFL tests in preparation for the grand test coming up in a week or so, and as the lecturers talk and talk in the listening section all I can think of is that it would be cool really if the day is extended to 48 hours and I can sleep 10 hours every 24 hours instead of 4 or 5 every day. But I guess it's just summer insomnia that drives me nuts every year.
Good luck trying to get up at 7!
Good luck trying to get up at 7!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Father
It's so late to talk about my dad, now that he's passed away about five years ago, but yesterday, it kind of hit me that he's no longer around. I elaborated on my relationship with my dad so many times in my head, and I discovered that I made an angel out of him when all he was is a human being, with faults and virtues. It struck me that I kept saying, if you're still alive dad this and this wouldn't have happened, if you lived dad I'd tell you so and so. I don't know for a fact if this would be true, if I'd be able now to talk candidly with him and consult him, maybe instead the gap would've grown wider and deeper between us. To be honest, I think that if he would've told me something I would do the opposite just to tease him. The truth of the matter is I was a rebellion and was never pacified by the words of the people around me, specially my dad, so ever since I was 13, he couldn't force me to do things all the time, mostly I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. We had our huge differences and fights, we spent so many days not even talking to each other, whether it was my fault or his. I even defied him and planned to go to any faculty except medicine because he me to study medicine. That's the pro and con of growing up, you have your own mind and you can revel in the state of illusive independence, and this eventualy form who you grow up to be in the future. But you'll hate authority, and you'll clash with anyone who assumes authority over you, which is mostly the father, so you have to fight with him if you're a rebellion by nature. He was in his youth as I was in mine, so we're so alike, maybe that was the reason we fought a lot.
Anyway, I got carried away in the memories, but what triggered these thoughts was that I made a perfect figure of him, all because he's dead now, and I can see clearly all the good things I loved in him and none of the things that irritated me. It's as if death creates a state of "denial", which is ironic considering death is the only absolute fact in life. I deny that he was ever "not good", and keep a holy image of him that would've never been there if he was alive. Maybe this was for good, because this way I get to know him better and love him better without being harsh or defiant. Yet sometimes I think, maybe I would've come to the same conclusion with time because this is a part of "growing up" and maturing, you get to realize the vanity of youth and how it's so silly, and you learn to appreciate the wisdom of your parents and teachers, even imitate it. I really miss the intellectual part of my dad, I want to have those evenings back when we used to talk about the philosophy in the books he taught, about life lessons, and I wish that I didn't let him down. I wish he could know this, that I cherish him now even though I was so stupid before, that I love him now in spite of everything. I wish he could forgive me for everything, but moreover, I wish I can forgive myself.
Anyway, I got carried away in the memories, but what triggered these thoughts was that I made a perfect figure of him, all because he's dead now, and I can see clearly all the good things I loved in him and none of the things that irritated me. It's as if death creates a state of "denial", which is ironic considering death is the only absolute fact in life. I deny that he was ever "not good", and keep a holy image of him that would've never been there if he was alive. Maybe this was for good, because this way I get to know him better and love him better without being harsh or defiant. Yet sometimes I think, maybe I would've come to the same conclusion with time because this is a part of "growing up" and maturing, you get to realize the vanity of youth and how it's so silly, and you learn to appreciate the wisdom of your parents and teachers, even imitate it. I really miss the intellectual part of my dad, I want to have those evenings back when we used to talk about the philosophy in the books he taught, about life lessons, and I wish that I didn't let him down. I wish he could know this, that I cherish him now even though I was so stupid before, that I love him now in spite of everything. I wish he could forgive me for everything, but moreover, I wish I can forgive myself.
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